Quirks from the narrative of expenditure

"One pair of size 7 gumboots." This is among my favourite items from the narration column in that document supplied recently to the ODT by the DCC; the one that lists council credit-card expenditure over the past three years, and which has been our newspaper fodder this past week.

The narration column is where council managers detail (or don't really detail) their purchases. The other columns show date of purchase, place of purchase, council officer responsible for purchase, etc.

Narration is easily the most interesting because it contains all these little explanations from the council managers. It adds a personal touch to what is, overall, a document as dull as a meeting room in a hub of public service.

Assuming you've already read about all the coffees and the meetings-at-cafes, and have already decided whether to begrudge the poor (but well-paid) blighters their perks, I've decided to dedicate this post to the quirkier finds from the narration column.

If ye be outraged by the spending, call it light relief; and if ye be not, just call it dirty laundry. Either way, I figure a giggle is the least these accounts can afford us.

"Conference mints." You can picture the gathering: shirts and ties, skirt suits, everyone watching a PowerPoint presentation until the garish lighting comes back on and they are permitted to ask questions about - what? New technologies for processing human waste? Prospects for harvesting methane from landfill?

Thankfully, all the participants have sanitised breath because of this $29.88 buy from Countdown. Bureaucratic bliss...

"One pair of size 7 gumboots." If it weren't for your gumboots, where would you be?

"Two CIO Wisdom books for staff." This made me wonder if much heartache could have been avoided at the district health board if its jailed former CIO Michael Swann had only had a copy. Just $159.86 for two at Amazon.com.

"Muffins for democracy meeting 31 Aug." This could be read in at least two ways; I read it in the funnier way and then did the illustration you can see alongside.

Muffins for democracy! We demand suffrage for baked goods! Vive la révolution des muffins! Please, where do I sign up?

"Photos of inner city 'grime' to illustrate perceptions of Dunedin." These were the only photos listed as having been printed to illustrate perceptions of this city, in three years' spending.

I like to imagine the relevant manager off at a tourism expo somewhere, standing beside the Dunedin stall and furtively producing these pictures from a grey trench-coat, as if producing gold, to show anyone who comes near.

Cruise-ship operators sign up for visits immediately they see the photos of Dunedin and perceive its grimy charm.

"Book." Yes, the narration column is where council managers detail (or don't really detail) their purchases.

"Snack at Christchurch airport as not arriving home until 9pm." An example of a well-justified expenditure of $7. Compare "Entertainment," which cost $450.50 at Scotia bar.

"Staff reward and recognition for [name obscured]." Irony: it's hard to give due recognition to the recipient of $100 spent at Plato when someone puts a black bar through that person's name before supplying the spending records.

This particular blackout was not perfectly executed; the recipient appeared to be a Christine somebody - Rout? Reat? As I say, it's hard to read.

"Book voucher for David." David, who got $50 to spend on books, was also legible behind an attempted blackout.

Commercial sensitivity and confidentiality are the usual grounds for obscuring names, but David has no last name (and is not an identifiable first name), so the true reason here must be: "We just don't want you to know."

Most names, incidentally, were not obscured, which only created more mystery around the few that were. "Reward for Lauren Berry." "Flowers for Les." "Flowers for Adrian." "Gift basket for Bennerjee family." None of these were denied us.

If it's petty to block names, it's also petty to point out spelling errors in accounts. But still, I enjoyed the "piza", "gifts for votunteers", and a "lisiaon meeting". Nice mirth if you can get it.