Gripes of Wrath, some Olympics observations

Hey New Zealand, what colour is the Olympic medal for 13th? Pounamu?

I've had a small case of the giggles watching as Kiwi athletic mediocrity at the Beijing Olympics has not only been heralded and exalted, but expected, too.

I miss the swagger and arrogance that accompanies the All Blacks, who have been sure bets every year save for 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003 and 2007.

When the All Blacks don't thrash a side, the country is let down.

And when I bring this point up with my New Zealand friends, the "Insecure Small Country Defensiveness Overdrive Gland" kicks into full blast.

"Well, my yank friend, historically, per capita, New Zealand is 13th in gold medals won since 1984."

Pounamu.

Maybe even more distressing than New Zealand's passion for the pedestrian, its surge for the so-so, its mad dash for the middling, has been the woeful Olympics coverage by TV One.

IWe were doomed well before the chimpanzee lost the feed during Moss Burmester's victory over Michael Phelps in the 50m butterfly. (Evidently, the race lasted more than 50m and Phelps rallied for the gold in the 200m butterfly.)The night before the opening ceremony, the Oly Whites' opening match against China was not available to us in Analogueville (Te Analogueville).

The game was broadcast via TVNZ's digital channel on Freeview, which announced its marketshare in June as a gigantic, get this, 7.8%, or 123,903 homes.

So, the Oly Whites play the host country (China) in the opening match of the most popular sport in the world (football) in arguably the most important sporting event on Earth (Olympics) and only 7.8% of us can watch? 92.2% of me was pissed off.

The Oly Whites performed admirably, holding the heavily-favoured hosts to a 1-1 draw.

But TV One had little time to dwell on the Oly Whites muck up as it was raiding the convalescence home for John McBeth and Keith Quinn.

Neither one of them was quite up to the challenge of knowing the leader of nearly any nation, saying instead "and there is the very proud head of state".

I was just waiting for either Tweedledee or Tweedledumb to say: "And here comes Iran, they should be very competitive in weightlifting, Greco-Roman wrestling and stoning."

Or: "Next up . . . the contingent from Guinea-Bissau! . . . a small island nation off the coast of Belgium - they are ethnically Flemish and enjoy an immense kinship with the Dutch."

Last night, McBeth secured himself the leading role in the upcoming film adaptation of Mr Magoo 2 when he (1) announced Burmester as the winner of his 100m butterfly heat when in fact finished sixth (52.67sec, 32nd overall) and (2) barely mustered a mention of Corney Swanepoel, who finished second in his heat (51.78sec, 9th overall) and qualified for the semifinals.

But I can't go a blog without mentioning the good old US of A.

Lost in the hype of the Michael Phelps Watch was sheer childlike enjoyment of George W Bush in Beijing.

Though he has since gone home to deal with his big boy duties (Georgia v Russia), Bush looked like he was let of out school for playtime earlier this week, zigging and zagging his way from event to event to see what his American mates were up to.

He met the with American men's basketball team and was greeted with the a "What's up pops?" from LeBron James and was seen "Raising the Roof" while cheering on his US compatriots.

But of course, what Olympic experience would complete without visiting with some beach volleyballers?

As Phelps chases gold and Australian swimmers break world records and Chinese gymnasts make history, New Zealand still has yet to make a real ripple in Beijing.

And if things keep going this way for Kiwis, you can't help but think we'll be pounamu with envy.