The opening shot of a piece of television says much about what will unfurl as scene one becomes two, three, four, five and onward as storylines twist, heave and stutter forwards in a headlong rush to The End.
These things I know.
The opening shot is like the only opportunity a below average unattractive man with lank hair, sallow skin and slow wit has to take the attention of a beautiful woman.
A beautiful woman.
The opening shot is all the television show has to grab the attention of its viewer by the hair and wrench its unwilling head screen-ward.
Its unwilling head.
Its attention must be grabbed.
These things I know.
In Spartacus, War of the Damned, the opening shot begins dark, stony and wet.
It tilts upwards. A knife appears, its shaft red with blood.
Upwards. A head: split open - its brains slithering down a rock soaked black with blood and brains.
Upwards. A topless woman, a man with arm severed, both dead.
Upwards. Roman soldiers run through bodies spread wide, as swords clash and a vista of battle and death and fire and gore opens forth before us.
Spartacus - how I have missed you.
The series of graphic novel-style Roman orgies of brutal battle sequences, slow-motion gore, severed limbs, spurting, gushing blood and leather and vast legions of full-frontal female nudity and completely-unnecessary-but-there-anyway bare ladies' bosoms began about three years ago.
War of the Damned is the final of three.
It begins with so much blood it seems impossible any face split asunder with an axe could hold so much.
Someone says the F-word in the first minute. Then it goes immediately to nudity.
Two handsome and quite naked young fellows are being washed clean of all the blood by two very comely - and very naked - young ladies. We see all this from behind. Then we see it from in front.
And there is a story, of sorts.
The rebellion has grown to thousands of freed slaves as Spartacus (Liam McIntyre, an Australian actor who was once in Neighbours) and his generals prepare for war with Rome.
Romans want to crush the rebellion. But all that is immaterial.
Because the opening shot of a piece of television says much about what will unfurl as scene one becomes two, three, four, five and onward as storylines twist, heave and stutter forwards in a headlong rush to The End.
And War of the Damned is about slithering brains and topless women and blood and blood and blood and blood and blood.
And there are 10 whole episodes.
It starts Sunday on The Box.
- Charles Loughrey
