Answer to our suffering laid bare

The woman's voice quavered, her lower lip quivered, and from deep within her psyche, every devastating emotional blow she had ever received fought its way painfully to the surface of her consciousness.

Her shoulders shook, tears welled in her eyes, as a heart-wrenching sob seized her body and shook her small, vulnerable frame in an involuntary spasm of misery.

Some criticise television as shallow and formulaic, but on Thursday morning, it grabbed the essence of human suffering, and laid it bare.

"I don't want to be fat, ever again," she sobbed.

But in a world where black and white so often fade to grey, resolution was at hand.

This open show of deep-seated grief, this desolate torment could be resolved, joyfully resolved, with the simple purchase of an (insert brand name) exercise machine, a machine so self-evidently a miracle-worker, it could solve the human condition itself.

And so cheaply.

Such are the highlights of the Home Shopping show (Prime, 7.30am to noon).

A parade of Americans so compelling, so convincing, every morning are given the task of solving . . . everything, really.

That most pervasive cause of human suffering - the inability to grow washboard abs - rightly receives most of the attention.

Before and after evidence given by those cured of this God-sized emptiness in their souls proves beyond doubt how effective 20 minutes a day, three times a week can be with such a machine.

Real proper personal trainers say so, one after another after another.

It's dead convincing.

And it's not just curing the flabby.

It's cutting things.

People evidently have terrible problems cutting a variety of materials, and this apparently causes the most awful suffering.

The poor fools have obviously never heard of tungsten carbide blades spinning in opposite directions.

"There's this system of teeth," our presenter says.

"We eliminate the usual reactionary effects.

"It has a very powerful electro engine."

It does, I've seen it.

The (insert brand name) cutting tool has double traction, inverted rotation, renewable lubricating sticks, and it spins in both directions, which are apparently "both backwards and forwards".

If you buy it now, you get an instruction manual.

"I never thought it would be so easy," a triallist says.

I didn't either.

But it is.

Look out for: On Shortland Street (7pm weekdays on TV2), those in need of an exercise machine or an electric cutting tool include:Maia Jeffries (Anna Jullienne), who hits rock bottom when she is committed to a psychiatric ward by her sister, Tania (Faye Smythe).

Angry and confused at her situation, Maia loses all grip on reality, shocking everyone with her unbelievable actions, TV2 public relations professionals promise.

Has the crime that Maia committed finally driven her to complete and utter madness? Left with no choice, the unit nurses are required to forcibly inject her medication, throwing distressed Maia into a state of panic and horror.

Yes please.

 

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