There's a good case to be made for talking to yourself nicely.
We all have an internal dialogue that constantly runs through our head: nothing unusual about that, our minds are designed to think, ponder and create.
The sticking point is, research has shown, that around 80% of most people's thought processes tend to be negative! What a staggering thought.
Most of the time our thinking/emotions/mental processing are bathed in a negative wash.
Imagine how different our thinking might be and how much more we could achieve if we changed even a small percentage of that negative self-talk.
Head gremlins, head monsters, head spam, whatever you call it, negative self-talk can stop us dead in our tracks and prevent us from ever giving something a go!What do I mean by negative self-talk?
I mean the stuff that goes around our heads that sounds like this:
• ''I must ... do better, be faster''
• ''I always fail/make a mess of it/stuff up''
• ''I have to be the best/be first''
• ''I never do anything right/finish things''
• ''I'm completely useless''
• ''This is awful/hard/a waste of time''
• ''I don't know why I bother''
• ''I can't get anything right''
At face value, anyone can see that it's not particularly uplifting and certainly not enjoyable to be telling ourselves this the majority of the time.
However, it goes deeper than just being unpleasant.
On a subconscious level it can be self-destructive.
A lot of what we say to ourselves, we would never say to our friends or to a small child we were trying to nurture and grow into a well-balanced adult.
So, what do we do about head gremlins?
Firstly, don't try to push the thoughts away, simply note what they are.
Try saying something along the lines of ''well that's the old 'I'm completely useless' story popping up again. Thanks but I'm not listening to that one today''.
Be kind to yourself.
It's not much help if you start berating yourself for being hard on yourself, that's a no-win situation!
Try to accept it's OK (I'd say preferable) to not be perfect.
Everyone (and I mean everyone) makes mistakes, has an off day.
It's called being human!
So take a deep breath and just drop the harsh self-talk.
Remember negative self-talk is based on our (often slightly skewed) perception of ourselves/events and not facts.
Try to avoid buying into the negative stuff the gremlins are filling your head with.
Yes, it can be hard to change our thinking.
However, it's important to acknowledge that our inner critic seldom tells the truth.
So when you notice you're being hard on yourself, ease up a bit, take a break and acknowledge what's happening.
• Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach. For more go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz
Dealing with head gremlins
Rather than getting tougher on yourself when the negative self-talk turns up, it's healthier to acknowledge that you are having a downer on yourself. Think about using some of the following approaches:
• Firstly, take notice of how you talk to yourself. Is it harsh, forgiving, fun, kind?
• Acknowledge rather than ignore something even if it's hard, frightening, upsetting etc
• Remind yourself the negative thoughts are not actually true.
• Ask yourself ''Is this how I'd talk to my best friend or a child?'' (Hopefully it's not!) If it isn't, then stop and back off, be kinder to yourself.
• Remember you're human and it's OK to be human. Perfection doesn't exist.
• Try to remember the situation won't last for forever. Nothing does.
• Being kinder and gentler on ourselves doesn't mean we're going all soft and wishy-washy. Being kinder and gentler with ourselves is all part of self-care, not selfishness.
• Respecting ourselves and treating ourselves kindly can be the first step to being respected and treated well by others. Make a start by setting your own tone!
