Learning about loss

I've written in the past about death and grief and its impact on youngsters. But, for a teenager, death is not the only loss that can bring significant grief.

I like Nicholas Sparks' comment in the The Rescue that youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief.

For a teen the reality that shatters the promise can hit in a variety of ways other than through death.

The loss of a friendship group, loss of health, parental separation and loss of the family, break-up with boyfriend or girlfriend, parental job loss with consequent sense of loss of security, and a perceived loss of parental approval can all have a devastating impact.

Teenagers' emotions can be erratic at the best of times and so their response to loss can be quite unpredictable.

They might feel too old to cry or too embarrassed to be physically comforted even though they probably want both.

Younger teens may revert to younger, perhaps inappropriate, behaviour that makes you want to say, ''grow up'', ''act your age'', ''it's not the end of the world''.

Initially, they may hide their feelings because they are unsure of how to handle them.

They might stay in their rooms giving the impression that they're sulking or put on a front that they don't care, while an emotional storm brews underneath.

Anger at anything and everything could be one of the first responses to surface.

On the other hand, they may feel that they need to be strong for others or for the family and in doing so deny their feelings and their sense of grief.

They will need to talk eventually and will probably need encouragement to do this. Initially, it might be easier for them to write their feelings in diary form.

''I know what you're going through'' won't get a favourable response.

Often they can't believe that anyone else is suffering as much as they.

Instead, acknowledge that you know they're hurting and just be available. Grief for other losses may also surface.

If it's a family rather than personal issue, get them involved in the decision-making if it's appropriate.

If not, they should be kept up to speed with the plans for dealing with the crisis, or how the separation will work, or the challenges that have to be faced and the contributions that each will need to make in facing them.

Dealing with loss is one of life's hardest lessons and it can be particularly hard for a teenager to conceive that life will go on; that they will get through this crisis; that the suffering, the numbness and the anger will eventually give way to a peace.

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