Looking after yourself too

For some time I've been reading and listening to Dr Kristin Neff, an associate professor at the University of Texas.

She's a pioneer and world expert in the subject of self-compassion.

For years I've worked with clients, encouraging and teaching them to be kinder to themselves, stop being so hard on themselves and expecting more from themselves than they would others.

I want people to start treating themselves like they would a good friend.

I never had a name for what I was teaching, but it turns out Dr Neff has named it ''self-compassion''.

I know from the dozens of clients I've worked with that we Kiwis are not too flash at being self-compassionate.

 

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

To understand self-compassion we need to take a look at what compassion is.

The Oxford Dictionary defines compassion as ''having empathy, sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others''.

Many other definitions state that compassion includes ''wanting to help alleviate suffering''.

Simply put, compassion is feeling for others when they are hurt, sick, have failed at something or are down on their luck and wanting to help them out or make them feel better.

Recently many of us have felt compassion for the people of Nepal following the earthquakes and donated money to help the relief efforts.

It follows then that self-compassion is acting towards yourself in the same caring, empathetic way when you are having a hard time, failed at something or are down on your luck.

Self-compassion is about being kinder and more understanding towards ourselves when confronted with challenges or failing instead of mercilessly judging and berating ourselves, telling ourselves to get over it and stop being such an idiot.

It's about being able to say ''this sucks, I'm really hurting right now'' or ''I don't have to be perfect''.

Part of being self-compassionate is understanding that we are human and together with other human beings we will be exposed to life's difficulties and nasty bits.

People that are self-compassionate tend to be more compassionate towards others.

 

WHAT SELF-COMPASSION ISN'T!

Self-compassion is not wallowing in self-pity while forgetting others are suffering too.

It's not about forgetting we are connected to others or believing our dilemma is worse than anyone else's (I'm sure we all know a drama queen or two!).

Taking this approach stops us from standing back and having a more balanced view of the situation.

Self-compassion is not about being self-indulgent, lying about on the couch and eating tubs of icecream while bemoaning our lot or about letting ourselves off the hook so that we get away with anything and drop all our standards.

Being self-compassionate isn't about boosting our self-esteem either.

While self-esteem is often based on our feeling better, prettier, smarter than others, self-compassion stems from understanding that all human beings deserve compassion and understanding regardless of how good looking, smart or wealthy they are.

WHY IS SELF-COMPASSION IMPORTANT?

Self-compassion increases our awareness of ourselves and those around us.

It helps connect us to ourselves on a deeper level, meaning we gain a much better understanding of who we are and what's important to us.

It helps to connect us to those around us and allows us to feel less isolated.

It allows us to approach negative emotions without blowing them out of proportion or taking the stiff upper lip approach and burying them so they explode out later down the track.

It helps us to be emotionally healthy and well.

So next time something doesn't go your way and life throws you a curve ball, stop and take a moment to think about it.

What does it mean to you, what are you feeling? Does it make you sad, embarrassed, hurt?

Try not to fly off the handle at yourself. Instead, what would you say to your closest friend if they were in this situation?

When you've figured that out say it to yourself and treat yourself more kindly.

You'll not only be better off yourself but you'll make a small change in the world that will make it a better place.

• Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach.

For more go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz.

Twitter:@jan-aitken

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