The newspaper advertisement for the job was unassuming but it was searching for a larger than life applicant - a Dunedin resident to be Santa's helper.
Yes, finally a workplace where beard and gut growth is encouraged.
I called the advertiser, Otago Actors and Talent managing director Ellie Swann, and booked an audition.
For the job, the applicant must enjoy Christmas and know why it is special for children.
To show Ms Swann I was a shoo in to fill Santa's black boots, I brought my son Cormac to the audition.
Normally, Cormac is a picture of calm but, as soon as his old man dressed in Santa gear, the tears started and never stopped.
Even my stirring rendition of the North Pole classic One Day a Taniwha could not soothe my son.
The interview had started poorly, but I maintained I was the ''jovial, friendly and outgoing'' applicant needed for the gig, a stand in if Santa failed to show for an appearance at Toitu Otago Settlers Museum in December.
I assured Ms Swann I could take the headlining slot.
My belly laugh would move the steam locomotive Josephine across the museum foyer.
She called my bluff and demanded my heartiest triple ho. My best effort left her wanting more, a bigger boom in the voice and a more generous rub of the belly.
Then my improvisation skills were tested. How would I respond to the child's question: how is the North Pole coping in the face of global warming?
I assured her I would comfort the inquisitive child by promising them an inflatable boat for Christmas.
Wrong answer, I was told.
A good Santa never promises a certain present.
Santas should ask leading questions to give parents clues on the presents their child wants. They should enthuse about the child's wish but never create false hope.
Ah yes, the mantra I live by - under promise, over deliver.
On second thoughts, maybe I can't deliver. A Santa's helper must stay happy and engaging until the end of every shift.
After just one child, my glasses have fogged, my beard is itchy and the white trim of my red jacket is damp with tears.
Maybe I am not a contender for the big leather belt.
Despite making the next round of interviews, I am pulling out of contention. I have given myself the sack.
Footnote for children: Helpers are employed as Santa is busy in the weeks before Christmas. Sometimes you might be speaking to the real Santa, and sometimes it might be a helper, who reports back to Santa.
