Now that city councillors have settled into their three-year sentence, it is timely to give some praise to the DCC staff think-tank.
This group meets in the Civic Centre basement car park in a corrugated-iron edifice, licensed to hold 5000 gallons or three persons, which pretty well covers the thinking element within the Civic Centre.
As usual, the think-tank has kindly supplied councillors with a list of handy hints, especially useful this time round with so many newcomers around the table.
These hints used to be referred to as ''the Ten Commandments'' but, as they are no longer delivered on stone tablets from the Mt Cargill quarry, that name has fallen into disuse.
They are now sent to councillors though their secure Facebook sites so only the councillors themselves and the 21,292,000 employees of the United States Government can read them.
Naturally, the document has been leaked to this column by our usual contact, a staff member who would rather not have her illegal (and slightly disgusting) behaviour written about in a family newspaper.
The final version of handy hints was prepared by the council's legal advisers who charged the usual $500 per ''nolle prosequi'' and the normal $250 for each ''hereinafter'', making the thing largely incomprehensible, so that councillors have also been given the draft version which appears below.
The hints are not quite as draconian as the old-fashioned ''Ten Commandments'' (''no spitting'' was in the old list) but councillors would be well-advised to take the hints seriously.
Although they are mainly housekeeping matters they will repay close study as they are based on common sense, which will be a novel concept for some councillors.
1. Councillors are not to laugh or snigger when the mayor appears in the full civic regalia, though a modest round of applause is permitted should he turn up wearing a tie.
2. Councillors are not to mistreat the English language by using words or phrases like ''currently'', ''at the end of the day'', ''going forward'' or ''in the fullness of time''.
To discourage such linguistic ugliness fines of up to $500 will be imposed. These will be issued by one of our senior traffic wardens who will issue tickets at the meeting rather in the manner adopted to harass motorists.
To illustrate the seriousness of this matter, non-payment of fines will lead to exclusion from all functions where free drinks are served. Consistent offending will lead to the councillor concerned being permanently on the ''opening bowling clubs'' roster.
3. Councillors will as usual be supplied with laptop computers with all the bells and whistles, but these must not be played too loudly during meetings. Accessing inappropriate websites will be frowned upon, but particularly salacious material can be shared around as long as it is deleted at the end of the meeting.
4. Councillors may continue to snooze during meetings but preferably not while they are actually on their feet. Non-speaking councillors may continue to doze but will be required to rouse themselves briefly should a vote need to be taken.
''Abstained'' will no longer be entered in the minutes when ''asleep'' covers the situation more accurately.
5. The mileage allowance for councillors attending meetings will continue but the rules will be strictly enforced. Councillors living in the city should drive direct to the Civic Centre. Detours which have been tolerated in the past, like visits to the Gibbston Valley wine trail, will no longer be accepted.
6. Councillors hoping for a free place on the frequent fact-finding missions to Shanghai should be careful not to continue the deplorable habit of mocking our lovely Chinese Garden. Nor should councillors make fun of the public art programme. The foreshore teeth and Gardens worm must always be treated with the level of dignity they deserve.
7. ''The Stadium'' is no longer an acceptable debating matter at council meetings and should be avoided.
8. New councillors should remember that fighting in the chamber is no longer acceptable. Verbal abuse may continue, of course, but eye-gouging and hair-pulling must cease.
9. In future, to avoid quite unpleasant scenes and public concern, councillors are to tell the news media nothing. The standard reply to any media query is to be, ''I don't know.''
The resultant headline, ''Councillors know nothing'' is probably as inoffensive and accurate as any.
10. In light of recent developments in Auckland it should perhaps be mentioned that adultery is still permitted but councillors are reminded that such activity must be in their own time and at their own expense. Your adultery is to be known only to yourself and, if necessary, the person with whom you commit it.
Oh, and please return your empty cups to the tearoom.
Jim Sullivan is a Dunedin writer and broadcaster.
