Honesty is still the best policy

Weatherman Daniel Corbett. Photo by TVNZ.
Weatherman Daniel Corbett. Photo by TVNZ.
The meteorologist giveth and the meteorologist taketh away.

It's been a while since I abandoned a month or so to read the Bible, but I am pretty sure that line - drawing comparison between our wonderful summer and the wretchedly cold winter we are having right now - is to be found in the Book of Obadiah, believed, by renowned researcher Jeff Krantz to be the least popular book in the Bible.

To know this about Obadiah is a ruthlessly successful card to have stuffed up your sleeve at a prestigious dinner party.

Most diners, after all, would plump for the boring Leviticus and its tough line on the gay population. In fact it would be interesting if this question popped up on Eddie Maguire's Millionaire Hot Seat show, which precedes One News, something I watch now because of what TV3 did to John Campbell.

Did you know smiling Eddie Maguire is worth $16 million?

Well, there you go.

So yes, which four boxes would Eddie flash up on the screen for the least popular biblical book?

Leviticus, obviously, and possibly Numbers, as it is about as biblical a name as roller-blading.

Philippians might get a run, though your typical Australian competitor - World Health Figures annually confirm Australians are the most intellectually-disabled nation on earth - would accuse Eddie of mis-spelling: isn't that a country, Eddie?

And possibly Ephesians would be the fourth brow-furler.

What a Millionaire Hot Seat question this would be!

But enough philosophical banter.

I never discuss the weather, but this winter has had us in her most icy grip recently.

And yet, television weather people beam at us as if they are releasing Lotto results and we have all won a prize.

Why is this?

Thundering disasters and incomprehensible mass slayings are delivered with sombre faces, but the weather may be worse than both of these and yet its twists and turns into the minus are presented with unbounded joy.

No meteorologist is better/worse at this than TV One's Daniel Corbett.

We discovered this magnificent frontman late last year, I am almost tempted to run the column again, as the nation is slobbering on to him now.

The New Zealand Herald's Alex Casey wrote a particularly fine piece.

So Daniel, with his giant expressive hands and fingers, directs his digits with a smile so friendly you would ask if him, were he selling used cars, is there a discount for bulk?

So the man is brilliant at his job.

I don't expect it is unreasonable to expect honesty, as well.

Weather people should deliver their prognosi with the accuracy it deserves.

Think of the farmers, noses pressed against the screen, will we be moving stock tomorrow, oh, Dan is smiling, all is well.

Let us, then, describe honest weather predictions for the four main centres.

''Dunedin. Oh my. Oh my, my, my, my, my. I am sorry, Dunedin (runs expressive finger across throat as if slitting), it is going to be stunningly cold, ice as black as licorice and a wind chill figure of 304. I would rather eat my left ball than go out in this.''

''Christchurch. Good grief, if you thought Dunedin was going to be cold, try Christchurch. (stops speaking altogether and looks despairingly at the heavens above, thinking of Obadiah). Dunedin will be like sitting naked on a pot belly stove compared to what's in store for you Cantabrians tomorrow.

"Those with colds don't even get out of bed, what runs from the nose will turn to icicles in a nanosecond, you will finish up looking like Baldrick that time in Blackadder when he stuck chopsticks up his nostrils.

''Wellington. You poor, poor bastards. (Falls into a half-crouch flailing his expressive arms against the sky).

"Vicious powerful winds will whisk everyone under 70kg out to sea. This will be prolonged until the fat lady sings in nine-part harmony. Which she won't ever do.

"Auckland. (Falls to the ground and beats head against the floor, whirling his giant expressive fingers and hands like three sets of helicopter blades fighting over a coffee pavlova). Are you REALLY considering John Banks as your next mayor?''

 Roy Colbert is a Dunedin writer.

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