When you have good friends, everyone can shine together

Rewatching television show Friends has had me thinking, obviously, about friendships and what they mean.

To begin with the show - it starts out with everyone supporting each other.

The depictions of friendships among 20-somethings are shown to be pretty positive, pretty loving and pretty equal.

As the show progresses, it unfortunately becomes less and less clear why these people are actually friends with each other when they don't even want to tell each other the truth, let alone participate in each other's passions and interests.

This kind of thing happens in friendship groups, I guess.

I'm not friends with the same people I was friends with in high school, for the most part, and I'm not even friends with the same people I was friends with when I started university.

People change, you get sick of each other, you have falling-outs, or you just change so much and the people around you don't have time or the capacity to catch up.

It is normal and standard to change friendship groups, and in this sense the friends in Friends outgrowing each other is not unusual or even that distressing.

What I find distressing, however, is that they continue to spend time with each other when they don't seem to be enjoying it.

I guess we all do that, before we realise that we deserve to be around people who make us happy.

It is a pretty basic requirement to have friends who share mutual interests or at least care about what makes you tick.

In theory, friends are supposed to provide mutual support.

They shouldn't define you, but it is happier and healthier if you are all there for each other, within reason.

What friendship is inherently tied to for me is something called shine theory.

In short, shine theory is a term coined by journalist Ann Friedman.

It is essentially the idea that if someone in a group is doing something great, then that reflects positively on everyone else in a group.

So if your friend has something great going on, then it benefits you both to bolster them, because not only are you encouraging your friend but you are also a part of their ''shine''.

This is particularly pertinent within groups of women.

We are so often encouraged to hate each other and to compete with one another, when really we should be looking out for each other and basking in each other's glory.

Pettiness and envy are just objectively silly. It doesn't make you happy and it doesn't make anyone else around you happy.

Sometimes it seems as if looking for other people's flaws will make you feel better about yourself, but in reality you're just being a fool and dragging yourself down further than you are dragging anyone else.

It is far more productive in the long run to focus on identifying qualities in other people that you love, admire, and appreciate and to let them know you feel this way.

Then, eventually, you will begin to notice these qualities in yourself. Then, what do you know, you feel better about yourself and you've achieved solidarity with those around you.

If you're not actively dragging each other down, then it is harder for other people to get at you and your precious self-esteem.

I'm not suggesting all women have to be friends, or that everyone generally has to be friends, but rather that if we have a problem with someone it should be a serious problem and not just a manifestation of our own insecurities.

It is totally reasonable to dislike someone and healthy to avoid people who make you unhappy, but you are more likely to be happy if you and your friends make an active effort to not only look after and be interested in each other, but also to be proud of each other.

Millie Lovelock is a Dunedin student.

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