One of the many pleasures of being a passionate English football fan is the opportunity to engage in banter with fellow fans.
No other sport provokes quite the same level of sustained debate. My colleagues and I discuss All Black and Otago rugby all the time, we have warm discussions about the merits of the various members of the Black Caps bowling attack, and we have even been known to analyse a netball game.
But nothing gets the juices flowing quite like football banter.
Often spirited, frequently juvenile and sometimes nasty, the rate of exchange of these views tends to fluctuate depending on the day of the week.
Mondays can be brutal. The office water cooler is NOT a nice place to linger by the day after Liverpool has been beaten.
The witty emails peter out by Tuesday afternoons, but there may be a spike on Wednesdays and Thursdays if there are midweek FA Cup clashes or games in Europe.
Fridays are a mixed bag. Some fans are too worn out or nervous about the big game approaching at the weekend; others find new ways to mock Liverpool's new-found ability for sucking.
For a while now, my diet of football banter has been a force-fed mix of wit and abuse from an Arsenal fan who delights in reminding me of Michael Thomas' goal at Anfield in 1989, and a Manchester United fan who is too smart for his own good.
Both are older and have decades more experience of watching football. Their clubs have also won league titles (multiple times) since 1990. I don't have a chance.
Some of the highlights from our banter this season.-
When I suggested Arsenal would struggle without Adebayor
and United would slump without Ronaldo
United fan:
Twenty years without a title can make a man bitter it seems.
What's he going to be like in another 20?
Arsenal fan: Supporting Man City.
When the Arsenal fan and the Liverpool fans started
sniping at each other
United fan: I can float happily above it all, resting
comfortably on the silk pillows of another premiership.
Mmmmm, the comforts that success brings. I can try and
describe it, but you actually have to experience it for
yourself.
When it was suggested Jose Mourinho might succeed Ferg at
Old Trafford
Arsenal fan: Perfect match, really. The most reviled football
club in the world led by the most reviled manager.
When talk turned to the style our respective teams
play
United fan: You Gooners bang on about Wenger and your pretty
passing like you've always played like this. Can't quite
remember you claiming the George Graham era as a "belief
system''. It was more like an embarrassment to the beauty of
the game.
Arsenal fan: The vast majority of English football fans have
only contempt for Man United. You were in the second division
20 years ago. You were rubbish until you could buy success.
It beggars belief that anyone could support Man United. It's
like supporting the US Olympic
team.
When Man United had an early loss
Liverpool fan:
I'm not sure what makes me laugh more - Ferg taking 23
seconds to launch into the referee, or Man United wonderboy
Ben Foster letting yet another limp shot slip through his
fingers.
Arsenal fan: Or the collective pall hanging over Old Trafford
as the realisation sinks in that they haven't bought enough
$30 million players to compete this year.
When one of us was bored and decided to conduct banter
with himself
United fan: What's the difference between Liverpool and
Arsenal players and their fans?
United fan again: Nothing. They both watch the really big
matches on Sky.
When Eduardo was criticised for his shocking dive against
Celtic
Liverpool fan: Voting on the various words to describe
Eduardo - Fouled 1%, Theatrical 7%, Diver 10%, CHEAT
82%
Arsenal fan: Sigh. Yes, a non-English player fouled by a
keeper is called a cheat, and a pudgy Englishman who has made
a career out of diving for penalties is called a
Rooney.
United fan: Teams of scientists at the Cern supercollider
have been using electron scanners to find any contact between
Eduardo and the keeper, but their search - like that for
alien life, or a Wenger aftermatch quote that isn't an excuse
- has proved fruitless.
When Arsenal won a game thanks to a defender scoring
twice
United fan: How amusing that Thomas Vermaelen
is Arsenal's new top scorer. He seems to possess the clinical
edge that the Gunners' forward line often lacks. Backs
scoring headers from corners. The Wenger revolution
continues!
When it was pointed out Arsenal hadn't won much since
2005
Arsenal fan: Guess I'll have to be satisfied
with watching the best football team the world has ever
seen
United fan: Argentina 1986? Or the 1950s Hungarians? Maybe
the treble-winning Man United side? Your DVD collection must
be sensational.
When Arsenal looked like being owned by an American (just
like the rest of us)
United fan: Arsenal, a
once-proud club. Now owned by a Yank, run by a Russian,
managed by a Frenchman, play in a soul-less multiplex, have a
squad of continental nobodies with zero connection to their
once-rich north London hinterland, can't win anything. Be sad
if it wasn't so hilarious.
Arsenal fan: Quiet day, then?
United fan: Not a leg to stand on, then?