He spins, he turns, he bowls maidens over. Welcome to the life of retired cricket genius, and Australia's favourite rogue, Shane Keith Warne. Sports editor Hayden Meikle imagines what a week in the life of Warnie would be like.
• MONDAY
Wake up at noon in the honeymoon suite of the Darling Harbour Hilton. Super hotel that. The little Asian bloke who brings me my nightly cheeseburger is an absolutely champion bloke.
While Lizzy has a shower, I check out the 'do in the mirror. Fair dinkum, how good is my hair looking this year?
Looks like I've added a couple of inches to the old pot belly. A couple of Mum's little white pills will handle that. Ripper.
In the evening, it's off to the opera. I wanted the Acca-Dacca concert but Lizzy insisted. I spend the whole time trading messages on Twitter with Kevin Pietersen.
• TUESDAY
Today is family day. Simone keeps hassling me about the photos of me and Lizzy in the News of the World, but I calm her down by promising her a week-long cruise in the Caribbean in the new year. Bonza.
I'm feeling a bit frisky, so I say "Hang on, Monny" while I text a couple of saucy messages to that blonde sheila I met at the racecourse at the weekend. Simone's phone beeps. Bugger, I've done it again. That's me in the doghouse till Christmas.
Fair suck of the slips cordon, though, how good did that chick look? Like a female Johnny Farnham.
• WEDNESDAY
Bad hair day. The new transplants just aren't taking as they should. Advanced hair my a#@!
• THURSDAY
Pre-recording for Warnie, my bloody brilliant new show on the telly. One of the reviewers said something about it being as entertaining as watching Geoffrey Boycott bat. Top that, Rove!
I've managed to get my very good mate Tom Cruise to come on and talk about Scientology, which I failed at school because I dissected the bloody frog really badly.
I'm also interviewing Pamela Anderson, Lara Bingle, Scarlett Johansson and that chick on the cover of FHM. How good is that?
Things go so well I text Lizzy telling her not to wait up, chicky babe. I immediately get a text from Simone telling me where I can stick my chicky babe.
• FRIDAY
You little beauty, it's Australia 550 for five declared and the Poms all out for 185. How good was Michael Beer? Seven wickets on debut. Outstanding.
We've had a great day in the Channel 9 commentary box. Greigy and Bill got a bit carried away, and we had to wake Richie up a few times. But me and Heals and Slats and Tubby were absolutely outstanding, I thought.
Ate a bit too much at lunch but Mum's new pills can take care of that.
After the game I take Lizzy for a spin around Perth in my 2011 Bugatti 16.4 Super Sport. What a little beauty. Stopped by a copper on the highway going 165kmh. But as soon as he saw me, he just said, "Driiiiving, Shaaaane" and let me go. Cracker.
• SATURDAY
My great sponsors at Messages On Hold have come up with a new one:
"Gidday. I'm Shane Warne. Is the hurly burly of life getting you down? Leave me a message, and I'll see what I can do."
I don't really get it, but at $20,000 a word, I'm not complaining.
It's $5 night at the local casino, so we go for a look. No VB. How poor is that? I'm as dry as a dead dingo's you-know-what.
I've got a new phone thanks to my great sponsors at Three Mobile. Five thousand free texts a month. Fair suck of the sav, a man goes through that many in a week.
Lizzy flies back to London. I'm a bit down but I cheer up when I see how good my hair is looking.
• SUNDAY
Lunch at James Packer's house. Me and Hugh Jackman had a great yarn. Champion bloke.
My week ended with a bit of text flirting with two English backpackers, some advice for that lovely Indian bloke who keeps ringing me to ask about the Waca pitch, and a news item on the telly that shows I'm running at 36% for Australia's preferred Prime Minister. Gillard's only at 18%! How good is that?
