Football: How Matt became a Saint

Racing/sports reporter Matt Smith is a rarity in the sports department - a man without an English Premier League football team to support. He was asked to rectify this horrid anomaly before the upcoming season, so he looked at the 20 contenders.

Too whiny ... Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger looks on during the pre-season friendly against Borehamwood last month.

Too likely to pop ... West Ham mascot ''Bubbles'' looks on during a match against Hull City at the Boleyn Ground last season.

Just right ... Southampton players celebrate a goal against Tottenham Hotspur at White Hart Lane last season.

Too hopeless ... Fabian Delph in familiar dejected mode as Aston Villa prepares to restart after conceding a fourth goal to Swansea in April.

Too arrogant ... Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney complains during a game against Manchester City at Old Trafford earlier this year.

PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES

Too not-Liverpool ... Everton-supporting youngsters get ready for a game at Goodison Park.

Arsenal

PROS: The London side is regularly in the top four and will give me something to follow midweek in the Champions League.

CONS: Arsene Wenger fails to inspire me as a casual fan. He always blames the referees, and is almost afraid to splash out on players. Also, his name could be turned into something rude. Maybe that should go in the Pros section.

Aston Villa

PROS: Its supporters include Prince William, Tom Hanks, David Cameron and Ozzy Osbourne. A wide cross-section of celebrity society there.

CONS: The owner wants to sell; the chief executive left unexpectedly; the manager has been in charge for two very average seasons. The phrase rats from a sinking ship comes to mind.

Burnley

PROS: Good link to Dunedin with the academies the club has set up. Has climbed up from the lowest divisions in the late 1980s to where it is today. Ex-Mosgiel lad Cameron Howieson is in the development squad.

CONS: The Clarets might not be in the Premier League for long, relying largely on Home Nations talent with a few Antipodeans thrown in for good measure. One season preview has predicted Burnley to finish in 20th - and last - place.

Chelsea

PROS: Jose Mourinho is suave, smart and sarcastic - everything a man should want to be. Oh, and rich. The team is dripping with talent from all over the globe.

CONS: I'm not sure I own the right amount of ''label'' clothing to fit in with the Chelsea fans. And there's something about a team owned by a Russian billionaire which doesn't sit quite right with me.

Crystal Palace

PROS: Supported, for some reason, by plenty of comedians such as Ronnie Corbett and Harry Enfield. I guess that means you have to be able to laugh at the team's misfortunes. But the Glaziers finished a meritorious 11th last season.

CONS: I was genuinely disappointed to find out 25 years ago that the team does not play in a stadium made entirely of crystal. False advertising, if ever there was.

Everton

PROS: Natural rival to Liverpool, which would annoy the heck out of sports editor Hayden Meikle.

CONS: Regardless of being a cross-town rival, the club is still based in Liverpool and I maintain the only good things to come out of that city are the Beatles and Gerry and the Pacemakers.

Hull City

PROS: It's been a special rise for the Tigers, who went from the Third Division to the Premier League in just five seasons. Hull City made it to the FA Cup final last year and - despite losing to Arsenal on penalties - secured a spot in the Europa League thanks to other results.

CONS: Sixteenth last year left the Tigers only a few spots away from relegation. Can they hold on for long?

Leicester City

PROS: All Whites striker Chris Wood is - for now - a member of Leicester's squad, although there have been rumours about him being traded away. The Foxes play in the King Power Stadium, which sounds very intimidating.

CONS: Leicester City is a rank outsider with the TAB at $5000 to win the Premiership, after finishing on top in the Championship last season.

Liverpool

PROS: I did own a pair of Liverpool shorts and socks courtesy of my aunty in the late 1980s.

CONS: Too many of my friends support the Reds, and I tend to revel in their suffering as their hopes are raised ... then dashed. I'd rather laugh from the sidelines than jump on their misery bus.

Manchester City

PROS: The reigning champion. Some friends of mine are long-suffering fans, so I was pleased for them when Man City won in 2011-12. The supporters' song Blue Moon is a shower favourite of mine in the mornings.

CONS: If there was ever a case of a club ''buying'' a title, Man City has done that over the past few years. Obscene amounts of money have been offered to players to encourage them to don the sky blue.

Manchester United

PROS: One of the giants of the world game, let alone the Premier League. After a humbling 2013-14 season, if there was ever a time to start supporting United, this would be the year but ...

CONS: If I wanted to jump on a giant bandwagon, Man U would be the team. But I don't. When you hear someone supports Man U, there's a 90% chance they just started supporting the Red Devils within the past 10 years.

Newcastle United

PROS: A recent visitor to our shores and - unlike West Ham - showed a bit of skill in the two games in New Zealand. Went close to winning the Premier League in the mid-1990s. Dutch goalkeeping hero Tim Krul is in the squad.

CONS: I've watched a bit of Geordie Shore, to my eternal shame. I can't support a team when I can barely understand the supporters.

Queens Park Rangers

PROS: Did well to gain promotion last season, and has an easy name to shorten to a snappy abbreviation - QPR.

CONS: Brazilian keeper Julio Cesar is in the squad. You remember the guy? He was in goal for Brazil's 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany in the World Cup semifinal last month. Enough said.

Southampton

PROS: A solid eighth last year after being promoted. Considerable lack of celebrity fans, which is a plus in my book. I won't have to learn the words to When The Saints Go Marching In as I already know it. Great keeper Peter Shilton also played for the club.

CONS: Lost several good players since last season including Adam Lallana, Rickie Lambert and Luke Shaw, and the manager, but that could work out well in terms of spending on new players.

Stoke City

PROS: Made a good run of it since being promoted in 2008-09 including finishing ninth last season. Has acquired Bojan Krkic from Barcelona in the off-season, and has former Manchester City manager Mark Hughes in charge. Would also be good to be able to say I was ''stoked'' after a Stoke City win.

CONS: Could be battling to provide me with competition interest outside the league itself.

Sunderland

PROS: Has won six top division titles, although the last of those was in 1935-36, more than 40 years before I was born. Likewise, Sunderland's most notable supporter, Peter O'Toole, stopped following the team after it moved from Roker Park in 1997.

CONS: Flirted with relegation last season before winning the last three games to avoid the drop. I'm struggling to recognise any of the names on the squad list.

Swansea City

PROS: Making a good fist of it in the Premier League over the last three seasons, finishing 12th last year. Ex-Swansea player Gary Monk is now manager, so the side won't be short on passionate speeches from the gaffer.

CONS: Swansea is in Wales, and I still haven't forgiven the Welsh for Bob Deans' non-try back in 1905.

Tottenham Hotspur

PROS: Perennial contender for the top four, even if not necessarily a genuine title chance. New manager in the form of former Argentinian international Mauricio Pochettino.

CONS: A good friend of mine supports Tottenham, and I would not like him to think he has persuasive power or any form of influence over me.

West Bromwich Albion

PROS: Newly promoted from the Championship, so West Brom is a team on the rise. WBA features a player from Benin - a place I would struggle to find on a map in a hurry, so that's different.

CONS: West Brom has been in and out of the Premier League over the past 12 years. I'm not that keen on a ''one-and-done'' team.

West Ham United

PROS: I do like a good team song and I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles is a Bobby Dazzler. West Ham features New Zealand defender Winston Reid - so that's a tick in the right column.

CONS: Judging by the results in New Zealand (losing to Sydney AND the Phoenix? Really?), West Ham and the relegation zone might be best buddies by the end of the season.

The fans' perspective

Sean Flaherty, ODT head of news and Manchester United supporter: Please don't support Manchester United. We have more than enough fans. And when van Gaal delivers the league title this year we will get millions more. Perhaps some of the smaller clubs such as Arsenal or Liverpool might appreciate you.

My thoughts: And that is why Man U supporters are so despised by everyone else.

Hayden Meikle, ODT sports editor and Liverpool fan: Gerrard. Dalglish. Rush. Hansen. Keegan. Souness. Neal. Thompson. Barnes. Aldridge. Fowler. Owen. Alonso. Carragher. Shankly. Paisley. Fagan. Rodgers. Istanbul. Anfield. Kop. You'll. Never. Walk. Alone.

My thoughts: I would have thought the sports editor could string together a sentence with more than one word. Looks more like an extras casting list for The Bill.

Nigel Benson, ODT reporter and Arsenal supporter: If you love football you have to love (or at least sneakingly admire) the Arsenal. No club represents the agony and ecstasy of sport quite like the Gunners. Arsenal was created by Shakespeare and Faust after a night on the absinthe. We win when we're not supposed to. And we lose when we're not supposed to.

My thoughts: Best of the three contributions to date. But I have Otago for all my sporting heartache.

The outcome

Shortlist: Leicester City, Southampton, Stoke City.

The winner: Southampton. I think it is a team that could buy astutely over the next year or so, and hopefully remain in the Premier League for a few years to come.

matt.smith@odt.co.nz

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