The variable is there is no variable
Forsyth Barr Stadium is a great stadium. Great views and spectators - and players - remain dry.
Ask any goalkicker why he had an off night in any ground or stadium and chances are the first reason will be ... the wind or the rain.
So you put a roof on it and it must then be easy.
But apparently not.
English goalkicker Jonny Wilkinson struggled at the Rugby World Cup last year in the stadium.
"The variable is there is no variable," he uttered.
So he is saying because there is no wind or rain to contend with, then the main obstacle is that there is no major obstacle.
That is sort of like taking the hurdles out of a 3000m steeplechase and having the runners complaining they can not run as fast because there are no hurdles in the way.
Then Springbok kicker Morne Steyn was said to be unfamiliar with the ball used last week.
Now there are excuses of hot air rising and low air turbulence.
But surely kickers just have off days, both indoors and out.
Don Clarke used to kick them from the sideline. With balls weighing half a ton in the wet. He would have loved the new stadium.
Otago's Hayden Parker did not seem to have too much trouble last month when he slotted 10 from 11 at the same ground.
Neither did his opposite, Ash Moeke, who never missed.
They out-Australianised us
Australian Diamonds netball coach Lisa Alexander came up with a pearler last week after losing to the Silver Ferns in the first test in Melbourne.
"They out-Australianised us," she said.
Her opposite, Waimarama Taumaunu, was bemused with what Alexander said and was lost for words.
What Alexander actually meant is lost on many, including most punters on this side of the Tasman.
The Silver Ferns played a very composed, polished game on Sunday. They found their shooters with fine passing and made the shots.
They won because they scored more goals than the opposition.
Somehow that got lost when Alexander summed up the game.
The lines of Venus were in the wrong juxtaposition
Australia had Allan Border, Steve Waugh, Mark Taylor, and Terry Alderman.
England had Paul Jarvis, Derek Pringle and Devon Malcolm.
Australia won the Ashes 4-0 in England in 1989 despite being said to be the worst Australian side to tour England when it landed.
Ted Dexter, who was the chairman of the selectors of the England team, blamed the loss on the lining up of the planets. Not the poor effort of his players or appointing an ageing David Gower as captain.
Not surprisingly Dexter was savaged in the press. A man of high self-confidence, he stood strong and did not bow out from the job until 1993.
No mas
When Roberto Duran uttered those words in his fight with Sugar Ray Leonard in 1980 there was huge speculation on why he actually quit. The man himself said he had massive stomach cramps thanks to a huge feed after the weigh-in.
No mas translates to "no more".
Duran reckons he did not want to fight the flashy Leonard anymore.
Anyone watching knew that Duran simply quit, being behind on points, tiring badly and feeling the effects of a big lunch.
I dusted her food with steroids
Drug cheats always have the best excuses. The toothpaste was tainted, the meat did not taste right, that chicken was boosted by steroids.
Probably the most infamous of recent times is Belarussian shot-putter Nadzeya Ostapchuk. We all know the story - beating our Val at the London Olympics only to be exposed a few days later as a drug cheat.
As per normal when an athlete gets found to be doping the excuses came thick and fast.
It was a conspiracy against the nation, a former coach wanted to blacken her, she was warned she would be blackmailed if she did not do what was suggested.
Her coach, Alyksandr Yefimov, took one for the team, insisting it was all down to him. He dusted her food with steroids a few months before the Olympics to help her.
That failed to wash with many, considering she had been tested in the weeks before the event and had been found to be clean.
They're invisible
Manchester United was expected to smash Southampton at the Dell as it charged to the title in 1996. But down 3-0 at the break, manager Alex Ferguson did not blame his players' poor skills or concede Southampton was playing well.
It was United's grey kit.
The players were invisible to each other and could not pick each other out, Ferguson reckoned.
They went out in blue and white in the second half, but still lost 3-1. The grey kit was dumped for good two days later and United went on to win every game left in the season to claim the title.
