The Clutch: More netball farce?

More netball farce

It was not my intention to turn into an archcritic of netball, a sport I covered for many years and whose place in the New Zealand sporting landscape I greatly respect.

But, dang, netball has gone and done it again.

A week after my rant about the Fast5, I feel compelled to talk about the utter absurdity of these forthcoming changes to the ANZ Championship.

A challenge trophy is to be introduced - reasonable idea, though it will take years before people get too excited about it.

The problem is how they are deciding which team will be the inaugural holder. Logic suggests the reigning champions (in this case, the Melbourne Vixens) get it first.

But, no, they are to hold a ballot. Something aimed at becoming an integral part of a major competition is starting with a gimmick. Sigh.

Worse than that is the change that has been made to the format of the playoffs.

I can just about handle the fact that three New Zealand teams are guaranteed of qualifying, though it is a bit of a false economy.

What I am struggling to comprehend is why the system includes an utterly redundant round. The conference finals are irrelevant because the loser can go on to win the overall championship and the winner gets a meaningless title.

I am honestly worried about what netball is going to cook up next.

Our No 10

Dan Carter is always injured and is past his best.

Colin Slade is simply not good enough.

Aaron Cruden has confidence and goal-kicking issues.

Beauden Barrett is a lottery.

Do you fear first five-eighth could be a major issue for the All Blacks going into the World Cup?

Pop quiz

Brendon McCullum is now just the second New Zealander to have both a stumping and a wicket in (men's) test cricket.

Name the other bloke.

Big man in town

Which former All Black, a famously reticent interview subject, was spotted in the Waitaki Valley region earlier this week?

Was he checking out Richie McCaw's favourite gliding spots? Doing a spot of fishing? Or just popping into a fellow prop's business for a quick pie?

Light 'em up

The Clutch missed this story when it emerged last month, but it is worth repeating.

The BBC reported an English football club, League One's Rochdale, was having great success improving its turf with a new set of heat lamps.

In a previous life, the lamps had been used to cultivate a rather different crop - cannabis. They were seized by police in drugs raids and donated to the club.

The name game

Those of you who have played video games like Football Manager and Fifa will be familiar with the term ‘‘regen''.

When several seasons have been played within the game, real-life players are replaced by ‘‘regens''. So in 2017, the bloke wearing No 8 for Liverpool is not Steven Gerrard but someone of roughly similar proportions called something like Danny Maloney.

The danger of a programme that generates random names, of course, is that it will throw up something containing offensive language, or even come up with the name of someone like Adolf Hitler.

A gamer this week spotted a folder tucked within the folders of Football Manager 15 that included some blocked names that can never be used for ‘‘regens''. Among them were Hitler (always first on the list), Ted Bundy, Fidel Castro, Robert Mugabe, Joseph Stalin, Charles Manson and no fewer than NINE variations of spelling of disgraced entertainer Jimmy Savile.

Draw dramas

Sorry to grizzle, but consider this another gentle reminder for some regular users of our Thursday draws page.

The cut-off for draws is Tuesday 5pm. Please check you have included such relevant details as the date and time of the event. And it is really not a good look when you misspell the name of your own club.

The first quote

‘‘Even his wrinkles look young.''
- Guardian writer Kevin Mitchell offers tennis great Roger Federer a back-handed compliment.

The second quote

‘‘I know I have a lot of expectations I have to live up to, which I'm willing to do. This isn't like having a winning lottery ticket. You win the lottery and go away, retire. This is the start of new work and a new job for this city. It's a huge responsibility.''
- Baseballer Giancarlo Stanton talks about his new $US325 million ($NZ413 million) contract with the Miami Marlins.

Triumph

Richie McCaw - now, where was he born again? - captains the All Blacks in a test for the 100th time tomorrow. He is entering immortal territory.

Disaster

The All Whites might not be Brazil but they should not be losing to Thailand. New gaffer Anthony Hudson talks a good game - and he fielded an extremely young side - but we need to see better than that.

Giving logos the Disney treatment

Last week, The Clutch referred to the American artist who had given NFL logos the ‘‘Disney treatment''. Otago Daily Times artist Mat Patchett did the same for these logos of New Zealand sports teams. Clockwise from top left: Wreck-It Ralph, for the Chiefs; King Triton (The Little Mermaid), for the Otago Volts; Iago (Aladdin) for the Wellington Firebirds; and Mufasa (The Lion King) for the Wellington Lions.  

hayden.meikle@odt.co.nz

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