Sometimes, when I chew on the fence outside my property I get splinters of wood and thick multicoloured layers of lead-based paint stuck between my teeth.
Next week, I plan to make a model of the Dunedin Town Hall using only mince, super glue and feta cheese.
On every second Thursday of the month, a troupe of flamboyant, yet occasionally serious Romanian accountants entertain me by re-enacting The Forsyte Saga, or a version, at least, modified using William Burroughs' literary cut-up technique.
My life is full, and let me say here before God and man I appreciate that - I really do.
But I get so bored.
In fact, I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame the earth seems to me but a sterile ... well, you know what I mean.
It came, therefore, as something of a relief, when I received by the late mail a recording of a new comedy.
Bad Education has those qualities so very lacking in some classes - good connections and a solid pedigree.
Firstly, it is a product of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
It is written by, and stars Jack Whitehall, who is famous in part for regularly appearing on the Graham Norton Show.
Bad Education co-stars Mathew Horne, of Gavin and Stacey, Horne and Corden and Lesbian Vampire Killers pedigree.
It also co-stars Michelle Gomez, who played the cruel and devious lunatic hospital staff liaison officer Sue White in British sitcom Green Wing some years back.
That show was always good for dousing a particularly brutal case of ennui.
Bad Education is less capable of performing that role.
Whitehall is young teacher Alfie Wickers - ''the worst teacher ever to grace the British education system'' - at the fictional Abbey Grove School in Hertfordshire.
Horne plays Fraser, his headmaster, while Gomez does shine, rather, as deputy head Isobel Pickwell.
We meet Alfie on a Monday morning with a bad hangover.
He stumbles into class and throws up in the sink, before realising he is in the wrong class.
He ends up competing with his headmaster for the affections of the school biology teacher.
Here is some of Alfie's dialogue: ''I make learning fun. If I was a font I would be Comic Sans - you are soooooo Times New Roman.''
Bad Education is full of good people, funky editing and music, but its humour seems rushed and uncertain.
Whitehall veers from sounding just like David Brent from The Office one second to Lauren Cooper the chav from the Catherine Tait Show the next.
It begins on UKTV on July 11.
Maybe episode two will be better.
- Charles Loughrey
