You could be talking about the latest film you’ve seen, a book you’ve read, a meal you’ve had with friends, politics, religion, your favourite colour ... anything, yet they still manage to swing the conversation around to themselves.
Any chance of a decent conversation disappears under their spotlight in the flurry of ‘‘me, me, me’’.
Sociologist Charles Derber called this tendency "conversational narcissism": the desire to take over a conversation, to do most of the talking and turn the focus of the exchange to yourself.
If you are on the receiving end of a conversational narcissist, you might find it mildly amusing or it might infuriate you to the point of wanting to avoid that person at all costs. It’s an unattractive behaviour and one, if you do it, that is likely to make you unpopular and have you dropped off the invite list ‘‘tout de suite’’.
The tell-tale signs of a conversational narcissist are responses along the lines of "Oh, I know exactly how you feel, I ...", "When that happened to me, I ...", "Oh, you poor thing. Let me tell you about when I ...", "Oh, I did that once too, it was ...". There are dozens more examples. Derber has coined these types of responses — "shift responses". That is a response that shifts the conversation back to the conversational narcissist. Surprisingly, it’s not entirely abnormal to do this. Modern humans talk about themselves more than any other topic! It is partly due to the way we process information. When listening to others our brain tries to find relevant experiences to give the incoming information context. It is trying to make sense of what we see and hear.
However, that does not make constantly using the shift response OK. The occasional shift response is fine, as long as we allow the focus to shift back to the other person. It’s a bit like playing catch with a ball — it works best when the "ball" is thrown back and forth.
Rather than the shift response, Derber suggests a more helpful response is the "support response". That’s a response that supports the other person’s comment. That would include responses such as "Really? Tell me more ...", "Why? What’s happening for you ...", "Congratulations. That’s fantastic ...", "Wow. Do you have any idea what you’ll do next?", "Is there anything I can do to help ..." and "I’m really sorry that’s happened to you ...".
You get the idea. It’s about drawing the other person out, letting them have their say without stealing the limelight.
Another reason we invoke the shift response is when, as listeners, we encounter a topic or emotions we are uncomfortable with. Perhaps someone has just received some upsetting news or had a setback. While we genuinely feel for them, we’re just not sure what to say or how to say it so we jump in with something from our own experience. It’s OK to not know what to say, we can’t fix everything, sometimes we can’t fix anything. Sometimes simply saying you don’t know what to say is the best thing to do.
If someone has news, then the focus needs to be theirs, our response needs to be supportive. Reciprocity is an important part of any meaningful conversation, as it helps maintain a healthy balance of focus.
Remember, we have two ears and one mouth. Let’s use them in that proportion.
- Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach.
For more go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz
Twitter:@jan—aitken
Tips
Some tips for being a good conversationalist (a.k.a. things that won’t get you dropped from the invite list!) include
• Don’t multitask
When you’re speaking to someone, put down your phone, tablet or car keys. Don’t think about your grocery list or what else you have to do before lunch
• Be present
Be in that moment, don’t be half in it and half out of the conversation
• Don’t pontificate
Conversations are two way and not lectures! Use open-ended questions, as it draws out the conversation
• Don’t get lost in the detail
The exact time, day, date or whatever detail you might be struggling to recall really doesn’t matter. Let it go
• Avoid repeating yourself
It is something we tend to do if we feel we’re not being heard (often by teenagers). Not surprisingly, it doesn’t make people want to listen to us more
• Listen
Listen to those you are talking to. Pay attention. Don’t think about how you’re going to reply, don’t interrupt. Be respectful and listen
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Comments
This kind of conversational shift often happens when people try to be empathic when sharing similar experiences. But as the article states, the intended support by association simply leads the focus away from the speaker.
Its a common fault in eager, newly trained counsellors or therapists who try to 'establish rapport' by self disclosure. It simply shifts the spotlight. Jan gives great examples of how showing greater interest in more details gives implicit validation and support anyway.
Great article.
Let conversation be organic, not prescriptive. This assumes that the chattering classes have the social skills to be appropriate. But excluding guests out of value judgements is bourgeois of the first water, ie:
'Oh, I know that feeling'.
We'd like you to leave, please. And never darken your doorstep again.