Liz Breslin comments on the 'circus' of contemporary dietary choices.
OMG. Panic. Hysteria. Look to the left and pout like it matters. There are only 28 diet days left until you get to gorge yourself stupid at Christmas.
I don’t mean diet days. Of course I don’t. Because who does diets any more? Everyone knows diets don’t work. It says it in all the not-diet-but-lifestyle books so it must be true.
I’m not sure why I’m so enraged about eating habits this week. It may be that the buffalo chicken fries I ate in a moment of hunger-over-reason have actually rendered me slightly insane. Not buffalo or chicken or even, that obviously, fried. I think they were actually MDF. As I scoffed them, Jamie Oliver came to mind, talking about nuggets full of crushed chicken scrota. Gwyneth Paltrow was there too, shimmering, crossing herself with holy coconut water. They gave me a tummy ache. Bad Food Choices, obviously. I ate a carrot later and Gwyneth and Jamie and my stomach all settled down, so it’s fine.
Except it’s not. There’s an almightily privileged hoo-ha going on about clean eating and I’m just a bit incredulous because ingestion, digestion and excretion are actually down and dirty by nature.
Food advice has gone and got all fetishised and pseudo-scientific. Does it help the people who buy in? (Hello, Gwyneth-lovers!) Jury’s out. Analysis is loud. There is no safe meal or snack territory. For breakfast you can either have avocado smash or a small apartment in the suburbs. Morning tea is cake if you’re a toddler and some lovingly tamari-ed seeds for the rest of us. Because although there are slightly more cake recipes than Trump supporters in the world (I just made that up, but you’re allowed to do that in pseudo-science circles), muffins and slices and cakes and buns are definitely not an everyday food according to the latest high school health class advice. Did someone tell the cafeterias? Lunchboxes are particularly politicised, the site of the power struggle between evil packaged preservative-stuffed branded stuff, destined to make our bodies decompose more slowly underground, and the humble homegrown organic carrot wrapped artistically in hemp twine. Dinner sort of rhymes with quinoa.
It’s becoming a circus. The very lovely Niki Bezzant’s TEDx talk on carrots and cupcakes is a good common-sense exposé of this industry. And, as a bonus, she shows you how to make your own ludicrous diet plan and promises. I reckon I might go one stage further and make my own pseudo-dietary-advice column. Oh, look. Handily, I seem to have some column space.
Dear Liz, thank you for being a diet guru. Should I drink turmeric smoothies every day?
Of course you should sweetheart. And we don’t say diet, we say lifestyle. Thank you for your soul-searching question. Add beetroot for an extra special superpower superfood kick. Your kids will love you for it. And milk thistle to ensure your smoothie is a real nutritional powerhouse.
Dear Liz, thank you for being a lifestyle guru. What about omegas?
What about them? Yes, they are brilliant, except in the fish that have been listening to too much Black Sabbath. Watch out for those fish.
Dear Liz, thank you for being an inspirational lifestyle guru. I’m going sugar-free. Does liquid count?
Absolutely not. As long as you give up eating dried apricots you can drink as much beer and wine as you like. It’s all about balance.
Dear Liz, thank you for being an understanding, inspirational lifestyle guru. Please can you let me know what set-up I need for clean living? I’m just wondering if it is worth taking out a second mortgage.
What great commitment! You will be paid back in abundance of health and vitality for many years to come. All you need is a pulp-inclusive juicer, a smoothie maker, an endless stream of organic vegetables, some unfettered cheesecloth, raw milk, yogic spices. A non-plastic water bottle. A water filter. Grass fed cows, farmers’ market eggs. You can never be too careful to be clean. Turmeric. Did I mention turmeric?
Dear Liz, thanks etc. Should I follow Gwyneth, or Jamie?
No. Neither. Follow meeeee.
Dear Liz, it seems to me like the more we learn and know and control what we eat and drink, the more disordered our societal eating habits become. Do you think eating anxieties and disorders across the spectrum are on the rise because of this control-aspiration dichotomy?
Look, sweetie. You’re sounding awfully anxious yourself. Stay away from those MDF fries, they’ve got apocalyptic things in them. And have a turmeric smoothie. It’s the answer to everything.
- Liz Breslin has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever in the area of turmeric smoothies. Please don’t listen to her lifestyle advice. She’s just making it up as she goes along.
