Looking after yourself

I get a lot of feedback from this column. But feedback from the last column on self-compassion (May 16) was different. The column struck a chord with the widest range of readers yet.

It confirmed something I had suspected for long time: we can be incredibly hard and unforgiving and there's a need for us to be kinder and more gentle toward ourselves. Since then I've had a lot of conversations about self-compassion, so I thought I would expand on it this week.

A quick recap: self-compassion is not wallowing in self-pity while forgetting others are suffering too. It isn't about being self-indulgent or about letting ourselves off the hook completely. It's not about refusing to take responsibility for where we find ourselves and blaming others instead.

Self-compassion is acting towards ourselves in a caring empathetic way when we are sick, having a hard time, have failed at something or are simply down on our luck.

It's about being kinder and more understanding towards ourselves when confronted with challenges or feeling inadequate.

The beauty of self-compassion is that it's something you can give yourself. You don't have to rely on others to supply it (let's face it, we could be waiting a long time!), there's no specific set of circumstances or planets that need to align in order for you to have some self-compassion. Theoretically, it's there when we need it, if only we can allow ourselves to have it.

 

THE THREE LEGGED STOOL

Dr Kristin Neff (a renowned self-compassion expert) identifies three major components to self-compassion. The first is self-kindness. This can be challenging for many of us as society teaches us (or used to!) that we should focus on being kind to others. Having a gentle understanding of ourselves, being kind towards ourselves is often viewed as being indulgent and selfish; being soft and weak. It's a shame self-kindness has been undervalued in our culture. It can be a healthy and helpful coping mechanism in tough times.

The second part to self-compassion is known as common humanity. This is when we realise and understand that we are not the only person in the world who will fall on hard times.

Being human means we are all mortal, all vulnerable, all imperfect, all inadequate. We will all make mistakes, get sick, fail at something, maybe more than once. We're not the only person that ''bad stuff'' happens to, suffering is a shared human experience. Our degree of suffering may be different, our pain may be different but all humans will have setbacks.

Understanding common humanity reminds us that illness, hurt and suffering are shared by all of us at some point in our lives, whereas self-pity stems from ''poor me, my pain is worse than yours''.

Mindfulness is the third component. This is a popular topic in psychology these days. Simply, mindfulness is having a non-judgemental awareness and acceptance of what's happening for us in the here and now and how we feel about it. We may not like it, but, it's about knowing what is happening and noticing our thoughts and feelings about it. No more, no less.

It's all very well understanding what self-compassion is and we can talk about it until the cows come home. However, I believe there's a fourth leg to the self-compassion stool that makes it even stronger: practising self-compassion. Unless we do it then knowing what it is isn't much help! There's a time and a place for stamping our feet, crying, being angry, upset or numb, but getting stuck in these is unhealthy and unhelpful. Taking action is the thing that will make the difference.

Any of the three major parts of self-compassion give us a way into it when we need it.

Perhaps when something rotten happens we could stop and simply acknowledge that we're hurting, we'd like to be comforted, we don't have to be stoic and push through, it's ok to feel what we're feeling. Be gentle, kind and understanding with ourselves, as we would to a friend in the same situation.

Maybe we can take time to acknowledge that the situation really is awful but that it's not just me it will have happened to, others in our lives, community etc are having a hard time too, we haven't been singled out and picked on. Remember we're human and part of a bigger world.

Maybe we sit down or go for a walk or talk to a friend and acknowledge exactly what we're thinking and feeling about what's happened. Don't think of the thoughts and feelings as good or bad, don't deny them or blow them out of proportion. They just are what they are and they're valid. We're aware of what's happening for us but make no judgement about it. We're mindful of what's happening.

Self-compassion is an important part of a healthy, happy life and worth building into your coping mechanism toolbox. The topic is huge and can be a bit overwhelming, so be self-compassionate and start gently. Start with practising the part of self-compassion you think is most appealing or sounds the easiest, then work on building in the other parts.

• Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach.

For a more in-depth look at self-compassion, google Dr Kristin Neff.

For more, go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz.

Twitter: @jan-aitken

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