My long-suffering optometrist would not have been impressed. ACC might have had a few questions too.
Dear Mrs Porter,
Dear Anne,Wouldn't you love to wave a magic wand over every parent in the land, instantly making them love and nurture their children?
Dear John, Easter is a time for forgiveness.
Dear Michael, The recent furore over the dangers of worm farming has been disconcerting for me.
Research and change have been on my mind as I have blithered into the new year.
Dear John, It's hard isn't it, maintaining humility in the face of applause and adoring fans?
Even the punniness of sitting on a windswept tree stump in Blanket Bay knitting a baby blanket last weekend could not shake my autumn of discontent.
Size doesn't matter, but even in the softly lit bar, I couldn't help noticing it was bigger than mine.
Hooray for the Old School Mate from Feilding for setting me straight. The great thing about a true friend is their ability to bring you abruptly down to earth when you have been inhaling too many cleaning products and thinking longingly of the Christmas trifle sherry.
Dear Charles, as a mega-rich chap, you are probably not used to getting advice for nothing. Trouble is, pay enough money and the people shelling out the words of wisdom are likely to tell you exactly what you want to hear.
Those who know my competitive nature is roughly the same as that of a dead slug may be surprised to know serious competition has been on my mind this week.
Alert readers will have noticed there has been a flurry of documents about Novopay released recently under the Official Information Act.
On this day after Christmas I have decided it is only right for me to be frank, incensed and more.
If you are still recovering from that Sunday morning lie-in - the one accompanied by cold tea and burnt toast, the gift of something pink, or possibly a power tool you couldn't imagine using in a million years, then this unverified "leaked" recording may be of interest.
Dearest Kim. How's it going in the Dotcom mansion?
Dear John, In a post-Easter spirit of new life and magnanimity, I have forgiven your failure to award me a New Year's gong. You can't hold a wannabe dame down though (not that I am suggesting you would do anything so untoward). I am brimming with innovation and I am thinking big.
It's been exhausting, darlings, this whole iD Fashion Week thing.
John. Go on. Pick me. Please. You know you want to.
Dear friends (including old colleagues from the ODT sports department), I know you have probably all been gutted or on an emotional rollercoaster in the past week or so over Otago rugby. But fair suck of the sav, your performance has let the side down.