There had been an unfortunate misunderstanding at my last job, some legal issues, and the distinct possibility of some very embarrassing revelations if I did not quietly leave.
It was not the first time I had been left on the lam and holding the bag after some Mrs Grundy had got the wrong end of the stick.
I was keen to get spiflicated, but I didn't have the jack to buy hooch.
I needed a job.
There was little at the advice bureau for a man with my ''background'', but one tatty brochure that had fallen behind an empty water cooler did attract my attention.
It was from a local marriage celebrant who specialised in celebrity marriages as revenue-earning publicity stunts.
It sounded like a sure bet, and there was some very good research to show I would not have to work again.
Take the experience of Kimberly Noel ''Kim'' Kardashian.
In August 2011, Kardashian married basketball player Kris Humphries in a widely publicised ceremony.
The pair had the sort of similarities that would usually set the bedrock for a marriage.
Kardashian has two sisters, Kourtney and Khloe, Kris has two sisters, Krystal and Kaela.
Surprisingly, that was not enough to ensure kheerful and kontented kohabitation.
Despite a two-part TV special showing the preparations, and a wedding aired on the E channel, on October 31, 2011, it was announced that Kardashian had filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage. A cynical media surmised the marriage was merely a publicity stunt to promote the Kardashian family's brand, and subsequent television ventures.
But the whole shebang had netted a million bucks, giving our heroes enough coin for giggle water for at least a decade.
I tell you all this, readers, because the excellent Kardashian brand is back on E next Tuesday.
Kourtenay and Kim Take Miami is a show involving reality television personalities with eyebrows, teeth and hair, who drive in four-wheel drives and go to hotels.
A feature of episode one is a visit to their Dash retail store, where they complain about things.
Later on, they talk to people on the telephone.
A highlight is a trip out for pizza.
In the United States, the season premiere was viewed by 2.8 million viewers, but three weeks later the show lost almost half of its audience. But the season averaged 1.89 million viewers.
I'm guessing most of those people were job seekers, like me, looking for some good ideas.
So far I have sent marriage proposals to the cast of Shortland Street, and a flirtatious text to the Queen.
I still await their response.
- Charles Loughrey
