I'm sure you've heard it said or even commented yourself on someone when they seem to have ''gone a bit too far'', that they have ''pushed the boundary'' or ''stepped over the boundary''.
What is it we're actually talking about? What are boundaries when we're referring to our personal lives?
Simply, boundaries are imaginary lines that you draw around yourself to define how you wish to be treated.
Boundaries are about what others cannot do to you or around you. Boundaries are about the actions of others and those influences on you.
Your boundaries act as a filter and either permit or not certain people, behaviours or situations to enter your defined ''space''.
Healthy boundaries are important to help us develop respectful and trusting relationships.
They help us to develop confidence and allow us to grow emotionally.
Without them you can often find yourself being pushed about in life and feeling ''used''.
Strong boundaries keep abusive, disrespectful, needy, or non-nourishing people at a reasonable distance from you so that you are not drained.
A life with weak or non-existent boundaries can be very draining and not very satisfying!
You can learn how to design, and implement boundaries so you can take more control of your own life.
Here are some examples of how boundaries can be ''stepped on'' to help you get the idea: People gossip to you about other colleagues and friends and you really don't want to listen.
Others unload and dump on you.
You're the one who gets things done, so everyone gives you their stuff to do. You've been given a nickname that irritates or upsets you.
People often talk over you.
Others like to ''have you on'' but it is actually hurtful to you.
A teammate, acquaintance or colleague flirts with you and it makes you uncomfortable.
Take some time to think what aspects of others' behaviour is upsetting, hurtful or draining for you. Make a list. When your list is written, think about how you might inform people of how you want to be treated. Here are some examples.
''That's hurtful. Please stop.''
''When you do (or say) ... I feel ... Please don't do (say) that again.''
''What you just said is inappropriate. Please don't say that again.''
''I am a sensitive person and I ask that you respect this about me and be careful what you say. I will do the same for you.''
''I've been doing some work on boundaries and I want to share with you what is OK and not OK to happen between us.''
''You know how you joke around about ... Well, it hurts me and I ask you to respect this and to stop doing it.''
''I can't help you with that project/job.''
(Avoid the detailed reasons as to why, it's not needed.)''When you ... I feel uncomfortable, please stop doing it.''
Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach.
For more, go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz
