Children, listen and take heed

Over the past month I've reflected on some of the first principles of parenting. So this week, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, here are some first principles for the children.

They're not new.

They've been around for a long time in one form or another.

Enjoy.

Parents have the right to act like human beings; that is to say they have the right to be irritable, change their mind, contradict themselves and to be stubborn; in short, to act like their children.

Parents have the right to freely hold and express opinions without being scoffed or sneered at.

If Mum considers that Ronan Keating is still the greatest of all singers, that's entirely her business.

Parents have the right to expect you to eat the food that's been carefully prepared for you.

Just because it hasn't danced on television doesn't mean there's a plot afoot to poison you with something strange and disgusting.

Parents have the right to decide on their personal appearance, be it hairstyle, shorts, footwear or favourite trackies.

Parents have the right to freedom from unnecessary worry.

If it takes you four hours to nip down to the corner dairy, it won't occur to them that halfway down the road one of your mates drove past and you ended up in town.

Instead they'll assume that you've been kidnapped, raped, murdered or some grisly combination of all three.

Parents have the right to their sleep.

If you promise to be in by 10.30pm, they won't wish to be still counting the flowers on the curtains at 1 in the morning.

Parents have the right to enjoy their own home.

This becomes difficult if one of the bedrooms appears to have been converted, without a building permit, into an indoor piggery.

Parents have the right to rebuke and discipline their children without fear of reprisals.

In this context ''reprisals'' shall mean muttering, sulking, screaming, slamming doors, making gestures with the right hand and threats to run away from home.

Parents have the right to expect a reasonable return for their labours.

Having acted for years as unpaid nursemaid, cleaner, nightwatchman, valet, banker, laundress, sports coach, guidance counsellor, odd-job man and general dogsbody, they're entitled to ask you occasionally to put out the rubbish.

Parents are not to be humiliated for their inadequacies.

They may not be addressed in year 13 French, interrogated about the rainfall in Peru or be expected to make head or tail of your maths.

Parents have complete freedom to cajole, warn, scold, forbid and offer unsolicited advice, not because they enjoy it, but because they have the duty to exercise their most precious and inalienable right: parents have a right to be parents.

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