Homophobia is alive and well down at the sports club, according to international research. Samuel White, who has himself been a target of taunts, reports on efforts to address it.
"I'm not getting changed with that queer staring at me.''
The comment was spat at me in the locker room of a secondary school gym after rugby practice.
By a teammate.
As a self-conscious 14-year-old, I was shattered and confused.
As it turned out, it was just the beginning of being made to feel unwelcome in team sports because of something beyond my control.
An international research project on homophobia in sport has since revealed my experiences are far from unique.
The "Out on the Fields'' study, released last year, surveyed 9500 people from all over the world, including 931 lesbian, gay, bisexual (LGB) and straight New Zealanders.
The report found 71% of New Zealanders think youth team sports are unwelcoming and unsafe for LGB people.
Twenty percent of New Zealand gay men say they did not play team sports in their youth.
More than half of them say it was because of negative experiences in school PE classes linked to their sexual identity.
Most Kiwi LGB people stopped playing sports once they became adults for fear of discrimination from coaches or officials.
Given that sport is so central to our nation's identity, the survey results present a challenge to the popular image of New Zealand as progressive and inclusive.
"Out on the Fields'' recommends national sporting organisations adopt and promote clear anti-homophobia and LGB inclusion policies for professional and amateur players.
The recommendations have prompted a response from New Zealand Rugby, which says it is working on creating an inclusion policy and diversity framework following the advice of the report.
New Zealand Rugby general manager Neil Sorensen says "Out on the Fields'' provided valuable input into diversity and inclusiveness work already under way that will focus on a number of areas including LGB inclusion.
"We support and promote rugby as a game to be played by all New Zealanders regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation,'' Mr Sorensen says.
"Our organisation is committed to ensuring rugby is respectful, progressive and inclusive.''
To get things moving, New Zealand Rugby has co-ordinated meetings with interested groups and sporting organisations to agree on a collective approach across different sports.
Some of these meetings have included Victoria University senior law lecturer Dean Knight, a gay man who started New Zealand's first gay and inclusive rugby team, the Krazy Knights.
Mr Knight knows all about homophobic abuse on the field.
"You hear [the abuse]. You know it's targeted at you,'' he says.
His experiences are part of the reason he started the inclusive rugby teams for gay or bisexual men, so they could play in a safe environment.
Wellington's Krazy Knights disbanded after a few years, but the Ponsonby Heroes picked up the torch and eventually evolved into the current New Zealand inclusive team, the New Zealand Falcons.
"Rugby presents itself as the game for all,'' Mr Knight says.
Yet the culture around the game appears to be as exclusively heterosexual as ever.
Mr Knight says part of the problem is many of the officials do not know what the problem is or how to deal with it.
"It's very hard for [straight people] to realise what it's like in that invisible minority where the language, the processes, the structures and the environment is hostile to a very personal and immutable part of who you are.''
A lot of people do not understand that using homophobic language, even in jest, can make someone who is gay or bisexual feel unwelcome.
"Whether it's sloppiness, lack of attention, lack of education or lack of awareness ... that type of bigoted language excludes players,'' Mr Knight says.
"Out on the Fields'' found many New Zealand sports players (88% of young gay men and 76% of lesbians) hide their sexuality from some or all of their team.
Mr Knight says hiding your sexuality can be problematic and deflating.
"You're just playing the mechanics of the game,'' he says.
"You're not engaging in the community of the game and that's what a lot of rugby is about.''
It is not a question of if there are gay athletes, but that many will stay in the closet until sporting bodies allow them to come out.
New Zealand Rugby is still trying to diagnose the problem, which is why it has consulted with so many groups, Mr Knight says.
It is using the New Zealand Defence Force's diversity and inclusion framework as a blueprint.
The Defence Force's OverWatch programme won the top prize at the Equal Employment Opportunities Trust diversity awards in 2013 for its support network for LGB and transgender members.
Other groups consulted include organisers of the Bingham Cup (an international gay rugby tournament), the authors of the "Out on the Fields'' study, the Human Rights Commission, major sporting bodies in New Zealand, and Labour MP Louisa Wall.
Ms Wall has had her own share of homophobic experiences in the New Zealand Silver Ferns and Black Ferns.
She says part of the reason she left netball was because of the homophobia.
"How can I one day feel so passionate about something and then the next I don't even want to go to the game? Something has to happen in the environment where you don't feel welcome or valued or able to express yourself as fully,'' she says.
Ms Wall found women's rugby more supportive and inclusive as there were other lesbians on the team with her.
"We didn't experience internal homophobia but did the other teams use homophobia when they played against us? Absolutely.''
Ms Wall is impressed with the policies Australia has already enacted to reduce discrimination in team sports.
In 2014, the Australian Rugby Union, Australian Football League, National Rugby League, Football Federation Australia and Cricket Australia all agreed to inclusion frameworks to reduce discrimination based on sexuality and encourage LGB people to participate in sports.
When Australian rugby player David Pocock stood up against Waratahs forward Jacques Potgieter after he used a homophobic slur during a game, Potgieter was not only fined $10,000 for the slur but also ordered to undergo awareness training.
"They actually go through an education programme so that they understood what they were saying did have an impact and it wasn't just nothing,'' Ms Wall says.
When New Zealand All Black Israel Dagg used the word "fag'' in a tweet last year, he was quickly criticised online for using the term.
"Wrong choice of word people don't let it ruin ya Sunday, keep smiling,'' Dagg tweeted in response.
Ms Wall says if New Zealand had adopted similar codes to Australia, Dagg would have been reprimanded for his comment.
It's not enough to say you didn't mean to offend anyone.
"Actually it means a lot and it does marginalise people and it is a form of abuse,'' she says.
New Zealand Rugby, and the professional players body, should be more proactive about taking action against discrimination, Ms Wall says.
"At the elite level you can just do it immediately and just replicate what the Australians have done and just have a zero tolerance policy [for discrimination and abuse],'' she says.
Players, such as the All Blacks, should have very clear rules, boundaries and expectations surrounding their positions as role models because they are being paid for it.
"They are in a position where they can influence, change and transform our behaviour.''
If elite players show more support, their influence can filter into clubs and into the minds of grassroots-level coaches and players, she says.
Without boundaries and rules it can be hard to expect those at grassroots level to see what is expected.
Some of the homophobic abuse is why University of Otago student Michael Fairhurst has some reservations when playing football for a social side in Dunedin.
He came out a few years ago and says he is comfortable with his team knowing about his sexuality, but has noticed subtle differences in the way he is treated.
His teammates appear hesitant when touching or patting him on the shoulder in comparison to the way they are more comfortable touching the straight teammates.
"I'm their friend, not someone trying to hit on them. I wish that's how they saw me.''
Most guys on his team appear to "think every girl wants to sleep with them''.
"The same goes for the gay guys in their eyes,'' Mr Fairhurst says.
Offhand comments are something he deals with because he likes playing sport.
"But that doesn't mean I should have to.''
Mr Fairhurst says people need to start being aware of differences in the way they treat their team mates, regardless of sexuality.
"I guarantee they [straight people] would not like the same treatment.''
A Facebook post requesting gay or bisexual athletes to speak about their experiences for this article resulted in a mixed response.
The post garnered more than 90 likes and received 89 comments.
But most comments involved men "outing'' friends as either gay or bisexual, which they clearly regarded as funny.
In response, another Facebook user commented: "homophobic meatheads tagging their friends and not realising their comments are exactly the kind of thing this article will be written about''.
The men commenting might have found it funny to tag their friends, but responses indicated they had a negative view of being associated with homosexuality.
One man even posted a comment reading "gay [expletive] would get snapped on the rugby field''.
The man did not respond to requests to elaborate on his view.
New Zealand Falcons chairman Gav Hyde says part of the pathway to acceptance is helping people realise their sexuality does not make them different.
"We [the NZ Falcons] show other teams by going out and playing rugby with them and socialising with them afterwards, we're not that different,'' Hyde says.
"We're just basically normal guys who want to play rugby and have a beer.''
Rugby is an important part of New Zealand culture, for gay and bisexual people too, and there is more to rugby than playing the game.
"It's how you socialise together.''
Finding sports players who are out to interview for this story proved difficult.
None of the gay or bisexual men who responded to social media messages were willing to be identified for the article.
None played rugby and only one was openly gay to his team, while the rest were in the closet.
The responses support the results of the "Out on the Fields'' report, indicating an underlying fear of discrimination should their sexuality be made public.
One respondent said coming out in a team environment was particularly stressful, as it was hard to know how a teammate's upbringing might affect their views.
Those coming from a religious background might be more homophobic and abusive than others.
The respondent said a dearth of elite players coming out during their careers means there are few precedents for how being openly LGB might affect the individual and the team environment.
"I think there is also the issue of how players from other teams react,'' he said.
Having teams made up mostly of ‘‘real typical Kiwi blokes'' can be quite intimidating, especially for new players.
"A lot of the chat is very much women-related and it can feel like you don't really belong.''
Ms Wall says the language players use needs to change and people should not assume all players are going to have girlfriends.
Using heteronormative language can limit whether someone feels comfortable discussing their relationships openly.
"It's about using inclusive language that broadens the spectrum,'' she says.
"It says to a person ‘I can have a same-sex partner, cool'.''
The "Out on the Fields'' report advises to start early with schools, coaches and parents, taking homophobia and bullying seriously in sporting environments.
Ms Wall says there need to be different strategies to deal with otherwise community-spirited people who volunteer at their local sports club, but then use homophobic terms such as "fag'' without thinking about its impact.
She says it means talking about the impact the language has on young people and how there is a consequence to the words people use.
She believes New Zealand Rugby is more probably looking at inclusion as a whole rather than targeting homophobia as a specific priority.
"But do I think making it a specific priority is the best way to go? Yeah, I do,'' she says.
Ms Wall says while there has been a delay, New Zealand Rugby is not sidelining the issue.
That is confirmed by Mr Sorensen, who says New Zealand Rugby is well advanced in developing its approach to inclusion.
New Zealand Rugby originally said it hoped to communicate the framework to rugby clubs in time for the 2016 season but Mr Sorensen now says it expects to unveil its approach in the coming months.
The framework will outline New Zealand Rugby's commitment to encouraging diversity and eradicating discrimination.
Ms Wall says New Zealand Rugby realises there is a serious issue, so it is just a matter of when the work is completed and what the framework will entail.
"I do think the rugby union is in a state of readiness,'' she says.
"What are they going to do about it? I think that's what we're all waiting for.''
