The majority of us want to do the best for our kids, and it's when we think we've failed in some way that the guilt can set in, parenting columnist Ian Munro writes.
Last week I touched on some of the reasons that we might have these bouts of guilt. They can occur at the time or years later as we look back.
If you find yourself in this sort of situation, it's important to take a step back, a deep breath, perhaps find a quiet space, and just look at what was behind what you did.
You might have got it wrong but were your motives loving and the best you could do at that time, given the circumstances and the information you had? If so, acknowledge where any mistake might have been, learn from it and move on.
If there are some issues, have a think about the things that are important to you and their order of importance. These may cover such things as possessions and the amount of money you have to spend on these. What are the more important things your children need and what are unnecessary wants?
Consider emotional needs such as love and care. How do these fit in with what's happened?
There may be behaviour issues and you'll need to rank the sorts of behaviour you would expect and the values you want your children to have. This could include matters like personal safety, growing their independence and so on. Are they manipulating you to make you feel guilty? You may have to keep standing up to them.
Where are you putting your time? Could there be a better balance for one or both of you. Listing what's important might mean you need to spend more time with your youngsters by reducing your outside activities or theirs. Or do you need to make time for yourself to be in a better emotional space with recharged batteries to be able to give emotionally what they need?
Look at these lists and consider whether you're being realistic in the rankings of importance and make any adjustments.
Think about whether there are issues from your own childhood that are intruding. Dealing with those professionally could free a lot of things up for you and them.
Finally, have a think about what's upset you alongside these lists and the orders of importance you've put things in. You might feel more reassured that you are generally doing the right thing, even if you got something a little wrong. If so, note that, move on and don't dwell in the past.
Or you might feel that you do have to make some changes. Do this, be proud of the changes and move on.
