Being someone else doesn't work for superstars, or, in fact, anyone at all, writes Jan Aitken.
A conversation with a friend the other week got me thinking. After watching an amazing documentary on the life and early, drug-related death of 1960s American blues singer Janis Joplin, we decided it was a good idea to avoid two things: taking heroin and being a superstar!
The film reminded me of the late Amy Winehouse. Drugs and alcohol were very much a part of her life, and death. They enabled her to become the person others wanted her to be, a superstar.
When we thought about it, being a superstar/celebrity/person of public interest is probably a pretty rubbish job, particularly if you are naturally at the introverted end of the scale. P!nk sings in one of her songs (Don't let me get me), "LA told me you'll be a pop star, all you have to change is everything you are''.
What's wrong with being yourself, we wondered? Why can't they just be authentic? But what does being authentic really mean?
The Merriam Webster dictionary defines authentic as, "being real or genuine, not copied or false, true and accurate''. I interpret that as someone who says what they mean and does what they say, and is consistent in the way they behave and respond. In short, they walk their talk. Easy.
However, I think we all know someone who seems to change the way they speak or behave depending on who they are with at the time. They might be nice as pie around certain people and then unpleasant and nasty with others. They may voice one opinion and then the complete opposite to someone else.
I also think it's fair to say we have all been there ourselves, at one time or another.
Being able to adapt to our environment is certainly beneficial, otherwise mankind would have died out a long time ago!
However, as Dr Gregory Jantz says, doing back flips with your personality can cause some problems. Why? Because people can tell if we are not being authentic. Cheesy, phony, fake, insincere, pretentious, hypocritical, disingenuous are some of the terms he says are commonly used to describe inauthentic people. Note that none of them are complimentary.
So why do we sometimes find ourselves and others doing U-turns with our behaviour or opinions? The most common reason seems to be a fear of being rejected; a fear of not being liked for what we say or what we do, especially if we have beliefs and opinions that are contrary to those around us.
It makes sense if we think back to the days when we relied on the protection of the tribe to ensure our survival. To be rejected by or thrown out of the tribe meant certain death.
These days, while our physical safety is not at risk in the same ways, our emotional safety can take a battering if we find ourselves rejected by those around us. We are scared to show who we genuinely are. It seems that most of us still need to feel we fit in.
But by not being authentic or genuine we may be doing ourselves harm. We may think "It's OK, I don't want to hurt their feelings'' or "It's just a little white lie''. We may be perceived as easy going, but by changing ourselves to fit in, we don't value our own thoughts and opinions, they become worth less than those of other people. We batter our own self-esteem and our ability to communicate honestly and openly with others is compromised. We change what we say and do, always worrying that we might get it wrong and be disliked. That's an exhausting way to live.
Poet E.E. Cummings said "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are''. He was right, being authentic is risky. It requires courage and an understanding of who you are, what your values are and where your boundaries and standards lie.
So how can you become more authentic?
• Know core values, boundaries and standards and build your life around them;
• Be kind to yourself, show yourself some compassion. Let go of any past mistakes or bad choices. There is no need to beat yourself up about them. Learn what you would do differently next time;
• You don't need to be perfect, that's not attainable. The "Perfection Monster'' will turn on you and crush you if you chase it. You can only ever do your best, be content with that and embrace your imperfection;
• Be aware of how you are around others. What you say and do? Is it consistent?;
• Surround yourself with people who genuinely support you and who you are comfortable with.
Being authentic is a moment-by-moment choice of embracing your truth and being fearless enough to share it politely, but firmly, with the world. There is a profound peace and confidence in being yourself with nothing to hide.
- Jan Aitken is a Dunedin-based life coach. For more go to www.fitforlifecoaches.co.nz. Twitter:@jan-aitken
