Vic Tamati had every intention of killing his entire family the night his wife told him she was taking their children and not coming back.
The Samoan man, who used his fists to spread a message of love, had already decided to use a machete to ensure his wife and their children didn't leave him.
And then his youngest daughter, aged 8, apologised for the behaviour which prompted Mr Tamati to bash her with a platform shoe.
She apologised because if it weren't for her, the family wouldn't be leaving.
If it weren't for her, Mr Tamati - a man with a 38-year history of physical abuse - wouldn't be alone.
If it weren't for her, her siblings and parents wouldn't be sad.
Speaking to about 50 people at the Crowne Plaza on Monday night, Mr Tamati said that was the defining moment in his life.
"She broke me.
"It was the first time in my life anyone had stood up for me."
Instead of murdering his wife and children, Mr Tamati picked up the phone book and eventually found a stopping violence programme in which to enrol - the first step in a long, testing journey - during which he had 10 years of "time outs" and which now sees him spreading the anti-violence message across the country, encouraging "Safe Men".
Mr Tamati was brought to Queenstown Lakes and Central Otago in conjunction with Jigsaw Central Lakes and supported by various Rotary clubs and organisations across the area.
He said it was somewhat ironic New Zealand was trying to win a Rugby World Cup when it was already the holder of another world title - the dubious honour of boasting the largest amount of domestic violence per head of population in the Western world, with an economic cost estimated at $8 billion a year.
At times emotional, Mr Tamati spoke with brutal honesty about his life.
"It's not a good story.
"It was done to me ... then I went out and did it to whoever and anyone who unfortunately chose to get in my way.
"The worst bit about that is I ended up doing it to my wife and my children."
He came to national attention during the Ministry of Social Development "It's Not OK" campaign as the man with "LOVE" tattooed across his knuckles.
The first stage of the campaign involved actors; the second involved real people.
After being contacted, Mr Tamati said he would take part in the campaign only if every member of his family and extended family gave their consent, which they did, and provided he was allowed to tell the full story.
Born in Auckland to Samoan parents, Mr Tamati was one of six children.
He described his father as being "staunch in the Samoan culture and staunch in the church".
"Both mum and dad were also very, very violent people."
From an early age Mr Tamati - as the eldest son - suffered regular beatings with a machete, a bible and anything else his father could reach.
Invariably, he was knocked unconscious and the beatings would end with a soak in a cold bath to minimise bruising - and fish and chips as a "reward".
"He did it because he loved me.
"I quickly figured out in my little pea brain this love... was my inheritance.
"Every time he gave me a hiding, that's what I thought. That's how I grew up. That was my home."
At16, Mr Tamati ran away from home and ended up in Christchurch, where he met his wife, got married and had a family of his own.
"And what did I take into that marriage? The love of my dad. I got it tattooed on my hand and I took that love into my marriage.
"I didn't want to be like my did, so I changed and did things differently."
After arguing with his wife, he would chase her around the house and grab her by the clothing as she neared a door frame, steering her into it. She would hit it so hard she'd be knocked out.
His response?
"Look what you made me do."
After the final beating of his youngest daughter - and the subsequent realisation something had to change - Mr Tamati got help and is now encouraging men to make a stand against family violence.
"We have to start owning up and fronting up to the problem we've got of family violence.
"Maybe we should call it something else ... men's violence. Maybe we should stop calling it child abuse and calling it man abuses child ... The [legalese] covers it up and makes it all fluffy and nice - it's man abuses child."
Mr Tamati dedicated his Queenstown presentation to Queenstown Lakes District Council infrastructure services strategic project manager Martin O'Malley, who will be spreading the "It's Not OK" message while raising money for Jigsaw Central Lakes later this year when he competes in the 14th Everest Marathon.
• See tomorrow's Otago Daily Times for Mr O'Malley's storyFamily violence - recent statistics
Family violence - recent statistics
• Nearly half of all homicides in New Zealand are related to family violence
• In 2008 there were 44 family violence homicides in New Zealand, which includes murder, manslaughter and attempted murder
• On average, 14 women, 6 men and 10 children are killed by a member of their family every year
• In 2008 police recorded 86,545 family violence incidents and offences
• Police are called to about 200 family violence situations a day - one every seven minutes
• About 18% of all family violence incidents are reported to police Half of all violent crime in New Zealand is family violence.
• In 2008 this was 42% of kidnapping and abductions; 44% of grievous assaults; 64% of serious assaults
• At least 74,785 children and young people under the age of 17 were present at family violence situations attended by police in 2008
• 84% of those arrested are men; 16% are women
• One woman in three experiences physical or sexual violence from a partner in their lifetime
• 14% of men report being assaulted by their partner in their lifetime
• Women's Refuge received about 50,000 crisis calls in 2007-08 and provided services to 11,295 women and 6996 children
• 85% of sexual violence is committed by someone known to the victim
• The economic cost of family violence was estimated at $1.2 billion to $5.8 billion per year in 1994 by economist Suzanne Snively. Today, that cost would rise to $8 billion
