False hangovers, funny walks

Spring has sprung and with it the realisation hiding the winter weight under puffer jackets is no longer an option. After several attempts at getting fit, and multiple promises to maintain it, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh has begun another fitness challenge: Alpine Health and Fitness' Revive programme.

Dear diary ...

Saturday, September 22

Had to stand on the scales again.

It was soul-destroying.

Planned to go to stupidmarket and purchase healthy food immediately after this horrific experience and then go for a walk so I felt better about myself.

Instead, went out for lunch with friend, ate my food and half of hers ... and then played Pub Golf.

Figured this would be my last weekend of freedom for three months, so might as well make it count.

Sunday, September 23

I wish never to drink alcohol again.

Consumed 1.5 litres of water before noon ... and went to the bathroom once.

That is not a good sign.

Watched Crossfit games on telly and used it as motivation.

Firmly believe post-challenge I could be a contender in 2013.

Have odd feeling: excitement mixed with panic, like a combination of Christmas Eve and being on death row ... or the night before you go into rehab.

Went for walk today, was puffed after 10 minutes and had to fix socks as pretence for having a wee break.

Took Gym Buddy to stupidmarket and spent EXTORTIONATE amount on healthy food (why is good food so much more expensive than bad stuff?).

Then force-fed myself bad food to ensure I feel so disgusting tomorrow I will be even more determined to sort myself out.

And had last glass of wine (just to make absolutely certain I wouldn't miss it).

Monday, September 24

Plan worked: woke up at 4am in a panic thinking I'd slept through my alarm - felt revolting.

By 6am was in exercise ensemble and at the gym to meet Haylee.

Goal of being in Crossfit games 2013 now gone: Haylee put me through a fitness test ...managed one sit-up.

Thirty minutes later muscles were a bit shaky and ankles quite sore; in fact, they gave out on me three times while walking.

By 8.25am was ready for bed.

Quickly lost count of the number of bathroom breaks today. Think if I continue drinking H2O at this rate I will be largely responsible for Wakatipu drought.

On upside, am certain I must have clocked up at least 2km walking to and from bathroom.

Had lyrics to Things Can Only Get Better running through my head all day (don't actually know any other words to that song, so it very quickly became annoying).

Was excited to meet my fellow Revive team-mates tonight - even more so to see some familiar faces ... Dare I say I think this is going to be fun?!

Tuesday, September 25

Am convinced wine fairy crept into room last night and poured bottle of vino down my throat during nine hours of slumber. Woke feeling hungover.

Totally unfair given the most exciting beverage I consumed yesterday was a green tea with strawberry.

Think all the toxins are running to my brain in an effort to avoid, um, excretion.

Also have much trepidation about how body will cope with future physical exertion given stomach muscles hurt from that one sit-up and other limbs are also quite ouchy.

Receptionist Liz says my "eyes look better" ... Eyes are not target area.

Walked up Tobin's Track this evening with Gym Buddies. Was knackered after two minutes.

By the time I reached summit, world was spinning much faster than it should be.

Wednesday, September 26

Positive: hangover gone.

Negative: had to buy control-top underwear today.

They fall short of passion-killer granny pants, Diary, but only just.

Am attending wedding this weekend and do not fancy sucking in stomach all day and night.

Was somewhat disheartening to buy this variety of underwear, but after session with Haylee today I have faith they will soon become surplus to requirements.

Haylee made me go for wee jog on treadmill.

Has been about 10 years since my last jogging on treadmill and more than two years since jogging anywhere else.

Surprisingly, wasn't too bad.

However, by 10am had contemplated contacting council to see if I could get temporary disabled car-parking pass.

Got very, very tired this afternoon, Diary, so tired normal brain function ceased.

Went to gym, put card through swiper and waited to hear splash noise ... There was no noise.

Man behind reception desk had funny look on his face.

Stared at him for a moment and then he politely told me I swiped my card through the eftpos machine.

Got home, flatmate went into kitchen and said "Sorry".

Looked to see why she was apologising.

She was eating a Moro bar.

She tried to tell me I don't like them (I DO LIKE THEM, DIARY!!).

So I waved lovely bag of nuts and berries in her face which she is not allowed to have.

She is allergic to nuts.

Thursday, September 27

Dastardly wine fairy paid me another visit last night.

Am going to leave her a strongly-worded letter.

Had much difficulty getting out of bed.

Was certain at any moment muscle behind right knee was going to ping apart ... Would probably have provided some relief from the pain.

Had proper cowboy swagger today, caused primarily by throbbing in saddlebags region every time I moved.

Receptionist Liz tried very hard not to laugh at me before asking if I had weed myself.

Found holding sore muscles while walking offered some relief ... but this was not at all appropriate.

Instead resorted to Geisha-style shuffling.

Friday, September 28

Normal walking style (almost) returned today.

I fear this will be short-lived given the RPM class I completed this evening.

Was my first RPM class in new studio ... which opened in May.

Haylee requested I do at least two sessions of at least an hour's cardio before Monday.

She says RPM class is fine, but have to add on another 15 minutes at the end as class is "only 44 minutes" of cardiovascular activity.

Only.

Forced myself to do some more jogging while envisioning fat cells curling up and screaming before bursting into flames; you know, like vampires in the sun, while little voice inside my head kept chanting "die, die, die".

Was quite enjoyable, actually.

Week one almost over and it really wasn't so bad, only 77 days to go ... Only.