Tena koe.
Welcome to this guided walking tour of historical Dunedin. My name is Fiona and I will be your guide. I'm afraid my family have been here only since 1858 but I'll do my best for you.
Have you paid your $20?
Thank you. We've just spent a few million on a new front door and every bit helps.
We're standing now on Toitu/Rattray St on the very spot of the scared Toitu Stream. It's not exactly the Thames but it does eventually roll on to the sea. No, I'm sorry you can't actually see it.
I suppose no-one brought a pneumatic drill?
It's underfoot here. Well, actually, under about six foot. Under some soil, sewer pipes, underground cables and assorted rubble. But I'm sure it's there. At least it was in 1848. It may be out of sight but it's never out of mind. Each day, as the local people pass through here, their thoughts turn to the Toitu and what it means to all of us.
Quite emotional, really.
In fact, this whole area is a particularly sacred part of our history as you'll have guessed. It's called the Exchange after one of the finest buildings of our colonial era. Good heavens, no, that's not it. The Stock Exchange building was bowled over years ago. What you're looking at is what replaced it. A fine example of 1970s Modern Brutal with Windswept Courtyard. We call it the John Wickliffe building. It once had a claim to fame as the home of New Zealand's smallest escalator but, of course, that was ripped out some time ago.
The monument here, which has been under repair for many months, is what's left of the Cargill Monument. As you can see, it used to be a drinking fountain but Health and Safety have outlawed that sort of thing.
In fact, we were lucky to get those penguins installed on the ground there while they weren't looking.
"Tourist trippers" they're called.
You'll note the plaques commemorating the Salvation Army's beginnings in New Zealand on this spot and recalling the famous Constable Oswald who directed the traffic here every day for many years.
No, I'm sorry, there's no Salvation Army performance for tourists and we haven't arranged for the traffic lights to be switched off while a modern-day Constable Oswald does his thing, but thank you for the suggestions.
We'll put them in with the ones about reviving cable cars which actually left from High St over there and from right here on Toitu/Rattray St.
The sacredness of this area is something you are probably already feeling. There on the left of Toitu/Rattray St you can see where historical buildings have been knocked over so that we can have a sacred car park. But all is not lost. On the right, that brothel and fish and chip shop are carrying on their sacred work. A little further on is the site of a quite amazing retail complex called the Arcade which dates back to the 1860s. On no, there's no point in going there. It was bowled over years ago and there's a sort of racetrack for traffic there now. But there is a Warehouse on the site carrying out its sacred work.
This Exchange area was once the commercial hub of the city.
There used to be three banks and a post office here when I was a girl. But there are compensations. Right across the road is a casino lending its special aura to this sacred spot and just behind us is the old post office, dilapidated now, but it will soon be upmarket accommodation. Over the road, the old bank, dilapidated now, but soon to be upmarket accommodation. Then if you turn around, you'll see a brothel and the public toilets leading to the country's ugliest car park, which is, of course, about to become upmarket accommodation.
Well, time has really flown, hasn't it?
We'd better head back.
You'll notice the rather tatty building on your right. That was once a hotel, very superior in its early days. And there on the left is another car park where the Otago Daily Times building once stood. It's certainly been a good morning for those of you with a special interest in ugly car parks, hasn't it?
Now, if those at the back would hurry up, please. We'll head back to Toitu: Otago Settlers Museum and if we get our skates on, we'll be just in time for the lunchtime hangi.
• Jim Sullivan is a Dunedin broadcaster and writer.
