Much is written about how to parent, but the conversation usually focuses on the child that we, as parents, must shape or fix: avoiding tantrums at the checkout, a falling out at school or dealing with d*** pics, TikTok and vaping.
Parenting doesn't come with a manual, and once we learn how to feed and change a baby we essentially learn it as we go. But with all the focus on the child, we forget about our own behaviours, actions and thoughts to avoid the very real parental burnout, especially in this golden age of social media, and women doing and having it all.
1. Perfection v progress
Perfectionism is something many women hold themselves up to, even take pride in, possibly because we are told we can do it all and have it all. But the harder you grip to your perfectionist tendencies the harder you will fall.
Children are magical and mystical creatures and if you try to control them, you will fail miserably. While your perfectionism stems from a desire for control, growing children desire autonomy too, and trying to raise an independent human able to think critically and make informed judgements about how to live safely and happily does not align with living in an absolutely perfect world.
You will exhaust yourself if you try to retain the high standards of your life before children. There simply isn't enough time, so choose what is truly important to you and focus on perfecting those parts instead of everything.
2. Expectations v reality
Women expect too much from their partners. By this I mean, we expect them to read our minds, and sadly this is impossible. Herein lies the problem. Every woman complains that her partner doesn't help, but it's actually that they don't offer the type of help that we need at the right moment.
Many mothers can't articulate what they need due to fatigue, sheer overwhelm and the brain fog of perimenopause. And it causes conflict despite dads being willing to do more than you think. Take a breath and tell your partner what you need help with. Apportioning set tasks or responsibilities is not setting feminism or society back, it's helping your home life.
3. Highlight reel v real reel
With people making a living out of their family life online, it's all too easy to presume your messy living room, kids who haven't eaten anything fresh all day and who might still be in their pyjamas at 4pm are the exception.
Behind the happy and coordinated family you see online, the post-baby body that's bounced back immediately or the perfectly curated nursery, are family scenes just like yours.
So park the comparisons and have faith in what you are doing and how you are living. Comparing your family to someone else's highlights reel will suck the joy right out of your parenting journey.
4. The village v the individual
Children can't learn everything they need to know or that interests them from only their parents. And parents don't get the support and release they need by operating independently.
Life with kids is hard, messy and exhausting but we are in it together. Yet people don't ask for help because we don't want to bother anyone.
Modern society has us parenting in a vacuum yet establishing a village will make your parenting life so much more enjoyable.
A village enables you to learn from others, commiserate, celebrate and gives your kids other trusted adults to turn to as they grow older.
Find your village people and enjoy them.
- Nicola Alpe is a lifestyle columnist (Instagram - @nicolaalpe)
