It is that time of year in many a rural household when life becomes deafeningly quiet; there are no wet towels to gather up off a bedroom floor, no red band gumboots sitting idly on their side right in the busy thoroughfare of the front door, and, miraculously, the baking container stays full in the cupboard. One only needs to scroll through Facebook to see that parents find the hostel drop-off an extremely emotional time.
Kirstin and Simon Engelbrecht farm at Stoneburn in Otago. They chose to send their four children to boarding schools in Dunedin. Their youngest son Charles is starting year 11 at John McGlashan College this year and Anna is in year 13 at St Hilda’s College. They also have Sam (19) and Oscar (22).
‘‘Looking back as a parent with 10 years’ experience and three more years to go, I feel I have a little perspective,’’ Mrs Engelbrecht said.
‘‘Yes it costs a lot of money over the years to put them through, but I believe the experiences, friendships, opportunities and networks are lifelong.’’
Unlike Mr Engelbrecht, Mrs Engelbrecht did not go to boarding school.
‘‘It was very different in Simon’s day with bullying and rites of passage rife every day. That’s not to say there’s not bullying these days, there is, but that is life and you don’t always get on with everyone no matter what school you are at.’’
Mrs Engelbrecht said her children had been lucky not to experience homesickness.
‘‘Not that I know of, anyway. They love boarding school. When Oscar started he had to be told to call home by the housemaster. Parents shouldn’t take it personally, if they don’t ring, they’re just busy,’’ she said.
‘‘I believe it is a privilege, not a punishment to go to boarding school.
‘‘It’s great if your kids get that and embrace it, but I think they also need to know that they can come home and go to the local school if it’s not working out. Boarding school isn’t for everyone and that’s OK, too.’’
The cost of boarding school created a huge jump in personal drawings off the farm, and Mrs Engelbrecht said it could be quite a change for parents to get their head around.
‘‘But we have always made sure we don’t make the kids feel guilty that we are spending all this money to send them there. They already know it costs a lot.
‘‘We joke about the ‘magic account’ where the kids’ extra charges occur like sports uniforms, camps, sports fees, books, coaching sessions and trips.
‘‘You just need to read the accounts and ask your child ‘are you doing water polo this term cause we’ve been charged for it?’.’’
Mrs Engelbrecht said taxis came on the account too, but pupils normally shared it so the rides did not cost a lot.
‘‘There are some lovely town parents who, when they know a boarder is in their child’s team and maybe the only one, will offer to take them to practices. This has happened for us with all our children. I normally try to buy these parents a petrol voucher at Christmas time to say thanks. I know we’d do the same for their kids too. It’s a parenting support code,’’ she said.
Hostel food could be a hot topic and was often subject to review based on independent tastes.
‘‘The food at the hostels is great. I mean, honestly, not having to cook and just turning up for your meals. It’s all up from there in my eyes,’’ she laughed.
Mrs Engelbrecht’s children did buy extras like muesli bars, noodles, and Up & Go drinks to have in their rooms for a snack after sports practice.
‘‘There is always food available such as fruit or yoghurt but, just like at home, the kids don’t always feel like it — so they say there’s nothing to eat, but that’s not true, it’s just that they don’t like what’s on offer.’’
For parents, coming home to a quiet house could be quite the adjustment.
‘‘It’s fine and you get used to it. For rural women especially it is a good time to see what you want to do for yourself from now on — work off farm, or more work on the farm or perhaps doing a course, or playing golf.
‘‘I feel so strongly too that rural women get depressed because they have lost their identity under the farm and children. The children going to boarding school starts opening up this big question of ‘what am I doing with my life now?’
‘‘For me there was this huge sense of grief when they were gone. It’s not that we don’t want them to go, or that they are unhappy. It’s just that you’re so proud of them and they grow up so fast. This is their first step away from home and you have to say goodbye to what’s been a big part of the parenting journey.’’
The next chapter of parenthood was just as good as the previous ones, Mrs Engelbrecht said.
‘‘Having adult children is great, too. They drive me around and we talk about the big stuff like politics and life. They’re all good stages,’’ she said.
-By Alice Scott
