I received a phone call from my daughter: "Mum, there is no Wi-Fi at home." We discussed that she would turn the modem off and on again; and if that didn’t work I would be home soon and would look into the problem.
In the meantime, my daughter called her sister, who called her father, who called 111. While on hold with the police, her father asked her for more context behind my words so she sent him a screenshot of our text messages.
Knowing my dry sense of humour, he deduced that I had been sarcastic. He explained to the emergency call operator that there had been a misunderstanding and there was in fact no emergency.
Unexpectedly I arrived home to conflict:
• Frustration from a co-parent who had to calm down worried children.
• Anger from the distraught daughter who thought I was in an accident.
• Indignation from the elder daughter who thought she should have been the person I contact in an emergency.
My immediate reaction was to laugh at what I saw as their overreaction to what I thought was a flippant, facetious text message. Oops. Laughing at people when they are upset is never a good idea.
While it was useful to have a test run and to see that everybody was proactive in an emergency situation, it is even more helpful to understand what happened to cause such a misunderstanding.
The two main lessons for our whanau were: (1) check for context and (2) don’t just rely on written communication. These lessons are equally important to prevent misunderstandings in the workplace and boardroom, when adults can act impulsively and lose perspective.
I have done investigations and mediations this year involving chats over Teams that were misconstrued as bullying kind of language. In one case, a person took comments out of context because she joined the conversation later in a long thread of what the others in the conversation saw as ongoing banter. In another case, the lack of an exclamation mark led to what was meant as a sarcastic joke being taken as a rude statement. In both cases, these miscommunications "were the straw that broke the camel’s back".
When the only form of communication is written, vocal cues and body language indicators that are so key in face-to-face interactions are missing. This means there can be scope for misinterpretation between what the writer intended to mean, and what the reader understands is being conveyed. This scope is larger between people in a relationship that is already strained.
When live, non-verbal communication is not possible, it is important to take extra effort to avoid misunderstandings. Here are some tips:
• Use Gifs/photos/emojis because they convey facial cues. My daughter says I should have sent a laughing emoji. Even if my text message was a "dad joke" and not funny to her, at least she would have understood that I was not serious. Be careful with your choices, though. A Gif you find hilarious might be seen as grotesque or inappropriate to the reader of your message.
• Send audio recordings because they capture your tone and cadence. A video is even better, as this will show your facial expressions and possibly hand gestures, too. Luckily I didn’t need to send one of me in a real emergency situation because I would not like my daughter to have the sound of my panic replaying in her ears.
• Be positive and clear: When stressed, people are prone to make negative assumptions to protect their point of view. Your choice of words can show positive sentiments. For example, in customer training modules it is recommended not to use the words: "can’t", "won’t" and "don’t". These terms (and those like them) create a negative tone.
Personally, I am cautious about how I use "but" and "just" as those words can sound flippant.
Also, be as clear as possible. Being vague or euphemistic leaves room for your message to be misunderstood and assumptions to be made.
Never assume that what you think you have communicated clearly has in fact been understood by the other person in your exchange of words.
Or else you might end up having emergency services at your door!
• Kate Keddell is a senior resolution practitioner with FairWay Resolution.
