The product of years of research, a new book turns the spotlight on a little-known, yet common, subject - love in later life. However, you don't need to be an academic to be an expert in the field, as Shane Gilchrist discovers.
[comment caption=Have you found love in later life?]The atmosphere around the dining-room table in Margaret Ruffell and Keith Young's Alexandra townhouse is warm, a combination of easy familiarity and late-autumn sunshine.
The jug boils and conversation flows. Over a cuppa, opinions and experiences of love are offered and imbibed.
They know nothing of University of Otago academic Amanda Barusch's new book, Love Stories of Later Life, yet their relationship is not unlike many within those pages.
Together for five years, Margaret (72) and Keith (75) have loved and lost and now love again.
It is a scenario also familiar to Les Thomson (79) and Heather Austin (74) who, sipping cups of tea later the same day in Alexandra, agree their love is both fresh and familiar.
They, too, haven't heard of Prof Barusch's new book, yet some of the academic's key findings resonate nonetheless.
Courtship, pursuit, infatuation, expectation, compatibility, fear, complications, experience and, yes, sex, are just some of the points raised by Prof Barusch who, like Margaret and Keith, Les and Heather, knows a lot about both love and later life.
Head of the University of Otago's department of social work and community development, Prof Barusch's primary focus is in gerontology.
Before taking up the post last year, the American spent five years researching the romantic experiences of older adults in the United States, the result of which is the recently released Love Stories of Later Life.
The book, which one reviewer says "dispels any notion that only young people enjoy romance", mixes research on love and the ageing process with a range of recollections from more than 110 adults who agreed to personal interviews.
More than 1000 others responded to an Internet questionnaire.
Prof Barusch says Love Stories of Later Life was prompted by both academic and personal interest. She saw a need to fill a void.
Though much work had been done into what she terms the "gero-erotic" (that is, sex in later life), little light had been shed on romantic love.
Erectile dysfunction drugs aside, advertising's images of relationships tend to focus on the young.
Daytime soaps and romance novels, too, seldom include those beyond 50, she contends.
"It seemed like things converged, Prof Barusch explained in an interview".
"I had a couple of friends who ran into pretty intense issues... I was talking to a friend of mine who was in his 50s and he was going through a really unhappy period of life and he said, 'I have never really loved a woman'. That was the moment that I remember thinking, 'we need to look into this'.
"The way he said it was so intensely painful. This was a guy who was married with children and had what we'd term a 'normal' life. To think that his emotional life was that empty and that painful was poignant for me."
Prof Barusch's father-in-law was also pivotal to the project. At the age of 83, having been married for more than 60 years, his wife died. He thought his days of love were over.
"It was really sad. So for him to discover there was someone else he could love [he remarried] was pretty amazing."
It is easy for people to insulate themselves from love, Prof Barusch says: just do the work-home-kids quickstep or, if you're older, the work-home-grandchildren routine and you can avoid it completely. To establish a relationship, or to just meet someone, you have to "be in society".
"That's why I tell people, 'you can go out and look if you want'. You can make yourself available and be open."
Keith, whose first marriage lasted 40 years, his second 16 months, "sat around feeling sorry for myself" when his second wife died.
"You've got to get out and meet people," he says.
He saw a notice advertising old-time dances in Alexandra. Inspired, he bought some new clothes. The investment paid off.
Margaret recalls seeing Keith walk on to the dance floor and thinking, "he's quite nice". She asked him to dance.
Margaret: "You were quite shaky and scared."
Keith: "Well, I didn't know anyone there... When I walked in, she got up. I had to tell her shut up as she was talking too much. I couldn't concentrate, because I hadn't been doing a lot of dancing in my previous years".
"It just went from there," Keith recalls, adding it took him three phone calls to convince Margaret to go out on a date.
"He rang me one night and asked, 'would you come out for a meal with me?'. I was actually physically sick."
Keith: "You were crook though; you had that flu."
Margaret: "I know, but you wanted to go out for a meal... I was very apprehensive. I was looking after a very sick husband [her husband of 43 years died nine years ago] and bringing up six boys on my own. I thought, 'do I want a relationship?'. "Eventually, we did go out. I thought, 'what should I wear? What about that? No, I'll look like a secretary.' That's a young girl's thing. It's crazy... It's exciting, in a sickening kind of way."
Keith: "It never leaves you."
Infatuation tops the list of Prof Barusch's surprise findings.
Most people think intense crushes, which manifest themselves in emotional roller coasters, obsessive thoughts about the lover, loss of appetite, sleep changes, and sexual attraction, are reserved for the young.
Quite the contrary.
Prof Barusch observed them in older adults up to their early 80s.
In one of her love stories, an 81-year-old woman reported that in the throes of infatuation she danced along the street with her beloved singing, "I love you! I love you!" Findings of the Internet study also revealed that adults over 50 are capable of intense romantic feelings.
Indeed, in this sample of more than 1000 people those reporting the most intense physical and emotional romantic experiences were people over 50 who had been in a relationship less than four years.
Comparing people over 50 with those under that age, she found intensity of emotional and physical feeling was highest in those over 50 who had been in a relationship less than four years.
Manifestations include loss of appetite, sleep changes and sexual attraction.
"I didn't expect that," Prof Barusch admits.
"To find that people were experiencing infatuation at such advanced ages... I actually struggled with it. When I presented this, my colleagues would always say that emotional intensity diminishes with age. At least this says we are capable of intensity; it doesn't say we necessarily want it."
Asked if infatuation was ever part of the plan, Les and Heather share a smile that suggests there was no plan to begin with.
"Neither of us probably thought about having a partner again, but you meet someone and [think] 'why not?', says Heather, whose husband of 49 years died in 2004, three months after the death of the couple's only daughter.
"That was a rotten year... you've got to get on with your life. You've got too much of your life left."
Les, whose wife died in 2001, recalls the couple's courtship was relatively brief.
He and Heather are diabetics; having shared a car to weekly health meetings, Les asked Heather to join him on a drive to Tarras.
"It sort of carried on from there," Heather says.
A month later and the couple were living together.
"When you get into your 70s you don't expect that," Heather says.
"You can be friends with someone and all that, but to have a relationship with someone else... well, you're as old as you feel I suppose".
"I think when you get to our age you realise how much time you've got left. I've got stents in my heart and I'm a type-1 diabetic, quite bad, so who knows? You don't know what is ahead of you. Les and I would like to share the rest of our lives and, regardless of what happens, we'll look after each other."
A year since that first date, Les and Heather have yet to decide which of their two houses they prefer.
Heather's is a bit newer; Les's comes complete with a separate "den" in which the former projectionist has collected thousands of films and sound recordings.
Both enjoy movies and on a Friday night often head to a friend's place to watch a film.
Though it may seem obvious to state, a key component of any relationship is compatibility, a factor that is widened by age and experience, Prof Barusch believes.
By being involved with others, people learn how to negotiate, to compromise.
Thus they may be able to relate to a broader range of potential partners.
"My observation of older adults is the emotional maturity that comes with age makes them really well-suited to intimate relationships. It is a real advantage," she says.
Yet negotiating the waters of a new relationship can also be more complicated when you're older. There is often baggage, be it emotional or financial.
"The complications of life - children, habits, debts - are much greater," Prof Barusch agrees.
"Adult children can be impossible. Numerous times, older adults have told me they've had to choose between a partner and children. I've seen people become alienated from their children for their lovers and I've seen them choose to maintain a distance from their lovers so their children wouldn't be upset."
However, Prof Barusch is quick to add such sad scenarios are not the norm.
"The more common thing I saw was adult children embracing the new partner."
Keith and Margaret decided to sell their own houses and build a new one together.
Margaret says all of her six grown sons supported her decision: Keith, who also had no objections from his daughter or son, says the couple wanted to start afresh.
"I rang them all and I said I was deciding to sell the house and live with Keith," Margaret recalls.
"They said, 'good on you, Mum. It's your life - you do it'. I don't know what I would have said if one of them hadn't agreed with it."
Les and Heather, too, encountered no obstacles from their families.
Says Heather: "The families have been very accepting of it. I've got two grown-up granddaughters and they just think it's great. 'Go for it, Nana'. And Les' family have accepted me pretty well. We've had no hassles as far as that's concerned."
It's no easy feat asking women - and men, for that matter - who are in their 70s about their sex lives.
Yet, it needs to be done, as sex, for many, remains a physical manifestation or consummation of love.
To make the question more digestible, it pays to couch it in other terms.
Q: Can I ask the nature of your relationship? Are you friends and lovers?
Keith and Margaret's simultaneous reply is both relaxed and open-ended. "Oh yes..."
There is a moment's silence, mercifully ended by Margaret: "I chuck my arms around him over the kitchen sink. I think we shock the neighbours now and again," she laughs.
"We're not afraid to show our love."
Later, across town, Les' response is more forthright.
With a twinkle in his eye and amid a quiet background of laughter from Heather (who expresses sympathy to the interviewer), he responds with a classic Kiwi two-worder: "Too right."
Though Prof Barusch agrees sex can play a large role in the quality of a relationship, she is reluctant to say good sex equals a happy couple.
"I'm not quite comfortable with it because I encountered couples who didn't have sex, couldn't have sex, but had passion, companionship and physical affection and who found that entirely satisfactory in later life".
"I think how a couple negotiate sex is very interesting. Sex can be a war zone for a couple. It can be absolute hell or it can be the manifestation of their love".
"It is so incredibly powerful... The key, I think, would be your sexual relationship is congruent with what both of you expect. It is the disappointment factor or the resentment factor that makes sex a problem."
Perhaps what is more important is time together. Health problems preclude any extended holidays for Les and Heather, but they still "go out a lot".
Last Friday, they headed to the Maniototo township of Becks; two days later they took part in an organised tour of Moutere Station in Central Otago.
"We get out and have a look around," Heather says.
"We have a lot of things in common. I think that is a good thing, too... we go on bus trips now and again and join in with other people."
Keith and Margaret insist shared interests, such as dancing (yes, they still go regularly), walking and travelling around the country in their modern caravan, are the glue that holds them fast to one another.
As our interview winds down, the dregs of tea are drained.
The biscuits proffered earlier by Margaret remain untouched, yet she offers even better crumbs.
"It's a different kind of love, I think, to what it was years ago. You've got to have adventures."
