Defensive defriending: a toxic pal is one you do not need

A few weeks ago I mustered my courage and removed a toxic and narcissistic former friend from my life. It was a long time coming, and the relief I’ve felt following this action has been palpable. I cleansed her from my social media, blocking her on every platform and removing all photos of us together. It was the first time I’ve done something like this. It was cathartic.

As of today, we’re heading into another national lockdown in England. Most of my friends have left the country already, and I know I will be seeing far less of those who have remained behind. Perhaps I should feel more alone, having just cut out one of the few "friends" I have in Oxford. But the truth of it is this: she was never a true friend to me. I haven’t lost anything.

A few of my friends did "Sober October" last month, giving their wallets and livers a break from drinking. I’ve been considering an elimination diet in order to identify my food sensitivities and intolerances. We know how important it is to keep our bodies and minds clean of toxic food and substances, but we rarely think about giving our minds and spirits a break from toxic, narcissistic people.

I wish I had known the warning signs of a narcissistic person before I invested so much time and energy into a friendship that was ultimately one-sided, flimsy and inauthentic. In this piece I want to share a little I’ve learnt over the past few years, in order to help anyone who might be similarly stuck in a toxic friendship or relationship.

By this, I don’t mean to armchair diagnose anyone. I do, however, mean to shed light on some traits and "warning signs" that may indicate a friendship or relationship is not healthy.

I also want to stress that there is a difference between toxic, narcissistic people who wilfully hurt those around them, and those people who have a negative outlook on life because they struggle with depression.

The word "narcissistic" is regularly thrown around on social media, used to describe self-obsessed celebrities or Instagram influencers on the daily. But narcissism is more than mere vanity or self-love. A truly narcissistic person lacks empathy and consideration for other people, and is driven by arrogance, jealousy, selfishness and a pronounced need for admiration.

Just as the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water, narcissistic people are infatuated with themselves. They believe themselves to be better than everyone else, and expect due recognition and praise for this "fact". A friend described this trait as such: "self-aggrandisement disguised as casual anecdotal fun". This unrealistic sense of superiority may appear amusing, and indeed with my former friend, I was at first highly entertained by her ridiculous self-love. I naively thought she was merely joking, or later on, just very confident. I was shocked to realise that she genuinely thought herself above us mere mortals.

This grandiose sense of self-importance needs inflation and bolstering from those around the narcissist. Take it from me; the occasional compliment is not enough. A relationship with a narcissist is typically very one-sided and unfulfilling for the non-narcissistic person. And beware: if there is the slightest disruption to the admirer’s attention and praise, all hell will break loose. The second I stopped desperately chasing after my former friend and sending her daily messages of support and praise, she dropped me like the proverbial hot potato.

Toxic, narcissistic people are always "right", and rarely admit or apologise for any wrongdoing. They can be extremely sensitive, reacting wildly to the slightest disagreements, criticisms or perceived slights.

Toxic and narcissistic people love to foster a negative state of mind in the people surrounding them. One way of doing this is by turning others against you, or encouraging you to cut out your other friends, so that you become isolated and wholly reliant upon the narcissist for scraps of attention and kindness.

Narcissists also frequently demean, bully and intimidate other people.

It can be hard extricating yourself from the grasp of a narcissist, due in part to the practice of "love-bombing". Narcissists can be incredibly charming and charismatic and, upon first meeting you, will bombard you with affection. Gradually, however, they begin to withhold this affection, and the uglier side of their personality surfaces.

The first step to removing a toxic and narcissistic person from your life is to recognise and confront their toxicity. This may involve confronting your own flaws and realising how you may have changed for the worse through this relationship. I was happily swept away by the toxicity of my former friend. I enjoyed the feeling of camaraderie I derived from sharing cruel tidbits of gossip or speculation about other friends with her. In doing so I became a toxic, bitter, sad and shameful person myself. Other friends noticed this mimicry and pointed it out to me. At the time I was indignant and outraged. I’m grateful now for their insight and intervention.

Realise that it is not your job to save or change a narcissistic person. This is a hopeless and draining process. I’ve found that dealing with toxic and narcissistic people requires an inordinate amount of time and energy, and ultimately it’s not worth it. If you are worried about confrontation, consider writing a letter, even if you do not send it to them. Putting pen to paper may help you clarify your thoughts and articulate your feelings.

Finally, it is important to remember that removing narcissistic people from your life can be a deeply painful process. You may care deeply and sincerely for these former friends and loved ones. Surround yourself instead with those people who genuinely make you feel safe, loved and happy. I am blessed to have authentic friends with me here in Oxford; friends I can trust completely, who make me feel secure, grounded and appreciated. These healthy friendships remind me why I chose to sever the toxic one, and why I do not regret it in the slightest.

■ Jean Balchin, a former English student at the University of Otago, is studying at Oxford University after being awarded a Rhodes Scholarship.