It's important to allow children to be who they are and not to compare them, parenting columnist Ian Munro writes.
Last week I sat in the bus behind two mothers earnestly rating their own youngsters. I couldn't help wondering whether the youngsters involved ever got an inkling of the comparisons that were being made. Given the tone of the comments, I suspect they might.
If you've ever felt overshadowed by someone or had someone else held up to you as better than you, you'll know what I'm talking about. This sort of thing happens in all facets of life but for many the most hurtful and harmful occurrences are within the family.
Most children are sensitive to comparisons, whether parents make them openly or more subtly by a difference in tone of voice or in greetings, smiles or interest. Once a child gets such a perception into their head, it can be very hard to shift.
A child can feel overshadowed by a sibling who's considered better looking, more personable or intelligent or even physically more like one of the parents and therefore felt to be more favoured.
Repeated statements such as, "Why can't you be as tidy as your sister'' are guaranteed to breed resentment.
Comparative statements such as, "never mind if you haven't got a boyfriend like your sister, you're much smarter and that's what's important'' aren't supportive. She's upset that she doesn't have a boyfriend. For her it's not an issue of smartness but of boyfriends.
Teenagers may deny a talent so that they don't have to compete with a sibling they feel does these things better.
Despite your belief in their ability you're better to support that teen in doing something different so that they get their fair share of acknowledgment. On the other hand, don't be tempted to stop praising the achievements of the other child, just be sensitive.
The first child's arrival is a major life event. The "firsts'' are often written down. When number two arrives comparisons are made. The accomplishments of the older child are used as a measure and any unfavourable comparisons can chip away at a child's self-esteem.
Saying, "I think young Timmy is going to be brighter than his older brother'' can be like a stab to the heart to the older brother.
• It's important to allow children to carve out their own niche.
• Always be on the watch for ways to support them in this through their successes and their failures.
• Compliment each on the things they do well.
• Take time to chat alone with each child.
•When someone asks about one child also tell them about the others.
• Offer choices of activities and don't expect your children to play the same sport or have the same hobby.
• Let them know it's OK to fail on the way to success.
