"Conrad Smith has gone down in a rutu mahunga. It's a piro whiu. Aw c'mon ref, he would have scored for sure. No, he's ordered a five-metre kirimiti. All Blacks to put in. Carter is standing deep. Cowan has the ball. He passes. Carter snaps a whana taka. It's looking good. It's over. All Blacks 3, Wallabies nil.
"Ka pai! But the Aussies will be very happy with that result, wouldn't you agree, Quinney?"
The flavour of commentaries at the forthcoming World Cup in 2011?
Stranger things have happened and mid-month, possibly as soon as next week, the IRB subsidiary Rugby World Cup will announce to whom it has sold the rights package for free-to-air national broadcast of 16 top line games - including all the All Blacks' pool matches, the quarter and semifinals, and the final.
Among the front-runners for those rights is the Government-funded Maori Television Service, which, it was revealed late last week, had had its bid boosted by a stand alone grant of $3 million from Te Puni Kokiri, the Ministry of Maori Development; and further that the grant had been approved by Minister of Maori Affairs Dr Pita Sharples.
Maori TV's Rugby World Cup commentary would, apparently, mainly be in English but 5% to 10% could be peppered with Maori phrases as part of a package deal of programming that "will help and encourage all viewers to use Maori words and phrases in everyday conversation".
Further, the minister explained on Monday, "The bid creates a unique platform to promote Maori development for the benefit of the whole country . . . [and] huge opportunities to promote and profile Maori businesses across the spectrum, for example, and new jobs will be created . . ."
But the unilateral move by Dr Sharples also creates something of a headache for Prime Minister John Key and his Government, not least in the potential for raising tensions between the coalition partners.
Indeed, there is already some sign of that with Mr Key's tart remark that it would have been "helpful" if the Maori Affairs Minister had consulted National before authorising the estimated $3 million top-up from Te Puni Kokiri.
Then there is the criticism of the funding decision by Act New Zealand's Rodney Hide, to Mr Key's right.
In fact, the ministry is within its powers to spend the money from its baseline funding.
And while eyebrows might be raised at the ability of the still minor service to provide the equipment and personnel required for the sophisticated coverage expected of major sporting events today, Maori TV has found a large number of admirers with its eclectic mix of "traditional programming", filling a void left by larger networks and their repetitive diet of reality TV shows and imported crime dramas.
In itself, the awarding of the rights package to the channel might be seen to be just reward for its innovative, domestically-focused programming - and if the terms for high tackle (rutu mahunga) and penalty try (pio whiu) don't yet trip off the tongue, then perhaps they soon will.
They might even lend commentaries - infamous repositories of the most tiresome cliches - a refreshing makeover.
The problems, though, are of a different and troublesome political order.
Effectively, the Government is lending a $3 million shoulder to the wheel of the Maori TV bid, privileging it over the bids of state-owned TVNZ and privately-owned TV3 - which have already had propositions rejected as "inappropriate" - in what should be a purely commercial transaction.
Sky TV already has the pay television rights.
Much against its instincts, National has been shepherded into a corner and may face accusations of meddling in broadcasting content when governments have generally striven to avoid such accusations.
Labour has been quick to exploit the Government's potential embarrassment, labelling the suggestion as "plain stupid" and a precedent "for an incoherent and almost unbelievable broadcasting policy".
Politicking aside, the objections of Labour's Rugby World Cup spokesman, Trevor Mallard, are not without force.
He said the funds, set aside to foster "Maori development", would create an unfair bidding platform and undermine a competitive commercial arrangement.
Questions needed to be asked - at Cabinet level - which they plainly had not been, as to whether in recessionary times such a large chunk of taxpayers' money ought to be put into broadcasting rugby rather than in job or other programmes directly beneficial to Maori.
These questions, and the fact that Maori TV fails to reach 15% of the country, notwithstanding protestations by Dr Sharples that by 2011 there will be universal coverage, are unsolicited distractions that National could do without as it wrestles with a sluggish economy and its brisk legislative programme.
Mr Key has made it clear he expects a more coherent case to be made as to why Rugby World Cup broadcasting is the best use of the funds, and so should all taxpayers.
But time for that is fast running out.
