Monday
John Campbell: New Zealand is increasingly targeted by extreme weather events and Cyclone Vaianu is just the latest. Here to discuss the subject is Prime Minister Christopher Luxon. Good morning, you extraordinary fellow! How lovely to have you on the show!
Luxon: Morning, John. It’s lovely to be here and to have you back at Morning Report.
Campbell: The pleasure is all mine!
Luxon: It’s your first day at school. How’s it going?
Campbell: Yes, I’m back at school, you’re so right! Ha, ha!
Luxon: Did you bring your lunch?
Campbell: No, can I borrow yours? Ha, ha!
Luxon: Ha, ha!
Campbell: Isn’t this fun!
Luxon: It’s such fun!
Campbell: But what isn’t fun are these extreme weather events. Heavy rains. Flooding. Roads closed. The people in Tairāwhiti are hurting, and want answers. What are you doing about it? What? Tell me. What, exactly?
Luxon: Well, you know, so, people in Tairāwhiti are, um, resilient.
Campbell: Resilient! I’m about to slice you open with statistics, figures, actual hard data, and you’re squawking on about resilience. They need help, they need answers, they need solutions. What are you doing about it? What use are you? Honestly. Are you any use?
Luxon: Well, OK, um, so, they could always move.
Campbell: Move! Good grief. That’s all we have time for but we are going to have these conversations every Monday, and I really look forward to them, don’t you?
Luxon: Yeah.
Tuesday
Campbell: Further on the subject that just won’t go away, extreme weather events, and what we’ve seen this weekend in Tairāwhiti with Cyclone Vaianu, we are joined by transport minister Chris Bishop. Morena, Bish!
Bishop: Morena, JC.
Campbell: Lovely to have you on the show!
Bishop: Lovely to be here and welcome back to Morning Report.
Campbell: Thank you so much. Your kindness is extraordinary.
Bishop: You don’t look a day older.
Campbell: Ha, ha! Neither do you!
Bishop: You say that because we’re on the phone.
Campbell: Ha, ha!
Bishop: This is classic.
Campbell: Yes, it is classic, and I think it’s fair to say that extreme weather is one classic disaster after another, so much so that the problem in Tairāwhiti is existential. The question is what are you doing about it? Are you doing anything about it? Because there seems scant evidence you are doing a goddamned thing about it.
Bishop: Well...
Campbell: Sorry to interrupt, but if State Highway 2 is closed, then growers can’t get their produce through, and the whole thing is a disaster, and I’m looking at you, as transport minister, and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. But thank you so much for coming in.
Wednesday
Campbell: It’s time now for our political panel. Normally it’s Nicola Willis from National and Labour’s Carmel Sepuloni, but today we are joined by Labour’s Vanushi Walters, and from National, it’s old mate Chris Bishop! Morning, Bish, again! Twice in two days! How extraordinary! Are you good?
Bishop: Yeah.
Thursday
Campbell: I’m joined now by associate energy minister Shane Jones to discuss the fuel crisis. Tēnā koe, Mr Jones!
Jones: Greetings from the Far North, John.
Campbell: The Far North! An extraordinary part of the world.
Jones: Let’s go fishing one day, you and me.
Campbell: Nothing I’d like better! But the Far North is a long way away and here we are in the middle of a fuel crisis. So let’s speak to that.
Jones: We are holding the oil companies to account and if they fail to deliver fuel there will be punitive consequences.
Campbell: Is that a threat?
Jones: No-one should doubt the force of my rhetoric.
Campbell: No, what are you actually saying? Is this some sort of ‘‘or else!’’ warning? Or is it just rhetoric?
Jones: Yeah.
Friday
Campbell: Well, it’s coming up to the 9am news, but I’d just like to say how happy I am to be back at Morning Report. I’ve very much enjoyed this first week and I hope you have, too. We’ll be back on Monday and I look forward to having the Prime Minister on the show. But who will it be, Christopher Luxon, or, if we are to believe reports this morning of a coup, Chris Bishop? Either way I’m sure the encounter will be a lot more interesting, more intelligent, and generally more extraordinary than whatever is on at Newstalk ZB.
