I have a guilty secret - I have become one of those tragics who send their pets to Doggy Day Care.
It was a situation born out of necessity. I was between rentals and needed a safe place for Wally and Elsa to spend their days for a couple of weeks.
Work was out - too many cat lovers - and I don't believe in locking pets indoors all day, or in the car listening to The Breeze.
So on a frosty Monday morning I brushed Wally's untamable wiry hair, and practised ''sit'' with Elsa, who is only 4 months old.
They seemed their usual doggy selves - happy and unflappable - with no understanding this was their first day of ''school''.
The Dog Whisperer in Wakari follows the teachings of Mexican dog guru Cesar Milan. Milan has a raft of successful television series, which, again, I am tragic enough to watch.
Sometimes Elsa and Wally watch them too, and the three of us feel superior as we laugh at demonic chihuahuas and huskies scared of snow.
I approached the Dog Whisperer with an equal mixture of caution and curiosity. Would she like my pups, would she like me or would she think all three of us were a lost cause? Dog professionals can be very unforgiving if your pooch doesn't know their place in the pack.
I walked into her wooden house, the dogs on leads, and she squatted in a corner to observe them. She was silent, her eyes keen and serious, as she followed their sniffing explorations around her lounge room.
''The little one's got a shy streak'' she said immediately, and it was true. Elsa was displaying unusual reserve, sitting on my feet and staring up at me with wet baby Labrador eyes. ''What is he?'' said another ''mother'' who was dropping her dogs off. She was looking at Wally and trying to disguise her amazement.
Wally is a heading dog bichon frise mix I bought off a farm for $50. But somewhere between being sold and growing up he became very, very long - as long as a sausage dog or a corgi but with the face of a heading dog and the entitled, regal nature of a bichon. He is what people call a ''character'' dog.
I stayed at the Dog Whisperer's for 25 minutes, forgetting I was due at work. I filled her in on the dogs' personalities their likes, dislikes, fears and talents.
Somehow, I had become that lady - the one that has dogs instead of children. ''They'll be fine,'' said the Dog Whisperer calmly.
''They both seem well rounded.''
I've never been called well rounded in my life, so it was a huge thrill to discover my dogs were.
I ruffled their heads, and reluctantly backed out of the house, ''Wally also answers to Mr Wallace, and Elsa answers to Piglet,'' I said.
I returned to the Dog Whisperer's at 5.30, wondering if my dogs would be calmer or better behaved after a day with a professional.
But no, Elsa burst into the lounge room covered in mud and Wally trotted out slowly, regally - they were just the same. ''Wally is very needy,'' said the Dog Whisperer immediately as I stroked Wally's silky ears and he stared greedily into my eyes.
''Oh really?'' I said.
''Yes, he doesn't like being alone and he needs a lot of attention.''
What she said had a ring of truth to it. I thought of our morning snuggles in bed, how my brothers like to pick him up and rock him like a newborn, and how my father likes to have Wally sit on his knee while he watches the news.
People often ask me why he doesn't run away when off leash, and I always thought it was because he was loyal and attached to me. But according to the Dog Whisperer it's because he's pathologically and neurotically attached to me. Uh oh.
''Um right, yeah I can see that, and what about Elsa?'' Elsa, the chocolate lab pup who was sprinting around the room, jumping on me and tugging on Wally's tail. ''Elsa needs to learn some self control'' said the Dog Whisperer sternly.
''I know she's only young but her attention span is very short. Both dogs should go to night classes.''
My heart sank. More money, more time - more worry.
''Wally's needy'' I told my family when I phoned them that night.
''And Elsa has no self control''.
''But that's Wally's nature!'' said my Mum.
''And Elsa is still a baby!''
''I guess'' I said sadly. Suddenly I had a glimpse of the immense pressure and guilt parents must face when bringing up children. It's worrying enough having dogs that are far from perfect, but what if you had an errant child?
A child who was clingy and lacked self control? Could you send them to night classes, too? The dogs have kept going to the Dog Whisperer. As soon as we pull up they're desperate to get out of the car and see their mates.
But by the end of the day they're just as desperate to come home with me, turn on Cesar Milan, eat some Tux, and watch other dogs who are imperfect - but lovable - like them.
Eleanor Ainge Roy is a Dunedin writer.