Looking back at the first couple of months of this semester, I don’t quite know how I managed it all. The vast amount of new experiences in which you truly had to step far, far outside of your comfort zone, seem overwhelming even now.
It is only now, halfway through the year, that I feel as if I’m starting to see myself again, to see a clear picture of who I’m growing to be.
Most are back home now, that flight booked for immediately after that last exam. The atmosphere for the past few weeks within halls has been stagnant, with everyone spending their days constantly studying.
Stress and pressure to do well were not, however, at the forefront of our minds, but rather a steady presence niggling at the back. It was a lack of motivation, a total exhaustion, which were the more challenging obstacles we had to face.
At the end of 13 weeks of non-stop work, studying and three-hour exams were a push beyond what we thought we were capable of.
I think everyone was more than ready for a month back home. That last week felt as if it dragged on for months.
We began to search for those small things to push us through: a hot chocolate at the end of the day; meeting up with a high school friend; a walk on a sunny day around the harbour; a wee treat from Fluid down the road — a matcha, maybe, or a fancy coffee.
And of course there were those big things as well: that feeling of relief and freedom after the last exam; getting on that flight to begin the journey home; a night out after not drinking for what seems like months.
When we started searching for it, motivation could be found in every corner, perhaps somewhere we had overlooked before, hidden in plain sight.
This process was completely different to high school exams, something which I hadn’t exactly expected or prepared for.
None of us had that same urgency we had felt with high school exams. When we were 16, everything was so immensely important and heavy, like the world would end if we didn’t achieve the highest possible grade.
The absence of this feeling made it seem as if we were approaching these exams with the wrong mentality. And yet, we still couldn’t bring ourselves to put that same effort in.
That pressure was, in hindsight, not necessary for high school. We’ve found that exams at university are trickier, more comprehensive, and with little leeway given.
Writing essays especially was a shocking, gaping leap forward.
I was certainly struggling throughout the exam season. But a conversation about it with a friend was a hidden gem, giving me permission to embrace that feeling.
In the midst of grappling with university-level essays and studying for exams in the ‘‘right’’ way, she introduced the idea that we needed to give ourselves grace. This was only the first semester, the first round of exams, out of so many more to come.
This really changed my perspective, bringing me a quiet confidence that enabled me to power through.
We were all being so hard on ourselves for not succeeding at the same level of high school. But rather than holding ourselves to that same standard, we needed to see these exams as an opportunity to learn.
We needed to find out what worked for us and what didn’t. What study methods were successful? Which library space was our favourite? Which papers have we enjoyed the most?
This exam period was, most importantly, an opportunity to find out more about ourselves. Certainly at the end of this semester, I feel more sure of what I like to do and what I don’t.
I have a clearer sense of what subjects worked for me, and how I can continue to shape my degree to reflect my interests and strengths.
It’s a reassuring feeling, that sense of discovering yourself, and it’s a pattern I see reflected in many of my friends.
This semester was undeniably difficult, but it has also taught me an enormous amount about myself, something I don’t think I would have been able to discover anywhere else.
We are all home now, able to sleep in our own beds, eat whatever we want, shower without jandals on.
We’ll recalibrate, rest, catch up with school friends, family. Then, in a month’s time, we’ll come piling back into Dunners, ready to do it all again.
• Eleanor Wong is a Dunedin first-year University of Otago student.
