Monday
An Auckland businessman with no experience in china has opened a china shop in Wellington.
Christopher Luxon said the Coalition China Shop was aimed at an upper-end market. He was confident it would be successful.
‘‘New Zealanders deserve fine china,’’ Mr Luxon said.
‘‘To that end I aim to deliver a set of deliverables that will take root and come to pass.’’
Mr Luxon acknowledged that it was a delicate business and that breakages were a risk. He said it was a matter of good management. He was grateful for the assistance of his business partner David Seymour, who had long experience in china.
‘‘David is a safe pair of hands,’’ he said.
Asked about his other business partner, Winston Peters, Mr Luxon said he did not anticipate any difficulties.
It was pointed out to Mr Luxon that Winston Peters is, in fact, a bull.
The bull had a history of being extremely aggressive, particularly when blood is present. Although it was not large, it was territorial, possessive and dangerous.
‘‘Yes, but Winston seems pretty tame to me these days,’’ Mr Luxon said.
‘‘It’s quite old. I don’t see any problems with this particular bull in a china shop.’’
Tuesday
Sales at newly opened Coalition China Shop remain slow, and customers have expressed a lack of support for its owner, Christopher Luxon.
Mr Luxon said he would not take any questions about the matter, and that he knew full well what he was doing.
Wednesday
Stock at the recently opened Coalition China Shop has been destroyed by a bull.
Passersby heard a terrible bellowing sound and turned to see the bull, Winston Peters, run amok.
It ran at shelves and sent cups, plates, saucers and figurines of swans crashing to the floor. It also broke several ribs of owner Christopher Luxon.
‘‘It came out of nowhere, when I was least expecting it,’’ Mr Luxon said.
‘‘I will be having stern words with it later, mark my words!’’
Thursday
The bull at the centre of the china shop chaos this week has apologised for its actions, and said its actions were ‘‘a mistake’’.
But in a later statement, the bull said it was not a mistake, that it meant it to happen and the fault lay with the owner of the Coalition China Shop, Christopher Luxon.
Mr Luxon’s chief of staff, Nicola Willis, said the bull should be punished.
‘‘It’s a very confused bull,’’ she said.
‘‘Very, very confused. One minute it was a mistake, next minute it wasn’t a mistake. Now I understand it’s a mistake again — and the problem with Winston Peters is you never know what you’re going to get.
‘‘This is the problem with Winston Peters. Judge it by its actions. Just look at the mess it’s caused.
‘‘But it’s really important that we ensure a strong, stable Coalition China Shop. And as I’ve said the actions of Winston Peters were inconsistent with achieving that, and Christopher Luxon has a duty to serve New Zealanders with china and we cannot do that if the bull goes off on a roar,’’ she said.
Asked what she expected with a bull in a china shop, Ms Willis said she was busy and had things to do.
Friday
It has been revealed that former Auckland businessman Christopher Luxon is not, in fact, the owner of the destroyed Coalition China Shop in Wellington.
‘‘The person in charge is the bull,’’ said Winston Peters.
‘‘That’s me, not that other guy.’’
Media considered asking questions of the bull but it lowered its head and pawed the ground.
- Steve Braunias
