The secret diary of ... media coverage of the leadership coup
Tuesday, April 21, 7am
Good morning and welcome to our special live politics blog which we will be running throughout this extraordinary day at Parliament that right now resembles the storming of the Bastille as five disgruntled rebel MPs turn on Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and threaten to parade his head on a stick.
Stay with us for more calm reporting of the day’s events.
7.01am
Heavy rain in Wellington today might at least wash away the rivers of blood that are about to spill out of the doors of Parliament.
Our live team is cowering under awnings to bring you the latest.
7.15am
Reporters are scrambling into Parliament’s forecourt to greet Prime Minister Christopher Luxon as he arrives for what looks certain to be his downfall as five disgruntled rebel MPs plot to seize him by the collar and throw him screaming from the ninth floor.
Reporters have returned to cowering under awnings. All bald men look alike and it was just some other guy arriving at Parliament to check the pipes.
7.40am
Mike Hosking at Newstalk ZB says he knows who the five disgruntled rebel MPs are and that he will hunt them down to the ends of the earth.
He also says that news media are to blame for irresponsible and baseless reporting of the leadership coup. The fault lies with left-wing shills on the press gallery who should be ashamed of themselves for their partisan reporting, Hosking says.
He describes Prime Minster Christopher Luxon as a visionary and a genius.
8.01am
Defence Minister Chris Penk arrives at Parliament, and is pressed on the identities of the five disgruntled rebel MPs. He tells reporters, ‘‘I don’t know who they are.’’
We’ll file a 500-word analysis of his cryptic remark as the morning unfolds and our editors scream at us for content, any content.
8.58am
Police Minister Mark Mitchell arrives at Parliament, and says he won’t speculate on the identities of the five disgruntled rebel MPs but that they should stop and think about what they are doing before it’s too late, and pleads, ‘‘Why can’t everyone just get along?’’
He begins to cry and is taken inside to be comforted.
9.13am
Caucus is meeting behind closed doors to decide the fate of dead man walking Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.
9.48am
Caucus is meeting behind closed doors to decide the fate of completely doomed Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.
10.30am
Caucus is meeting behind closed doors to decide the fate of the soon-to-be-executed Prime Minister Christopher Luxon.
12.11pm
The closed doors finally open, and out comes Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith. Reporters scramble to his side and demand to know whether he is the new prime minister and if he can work with Winston Peters and what he will do to resolve the conflict in the Middle East, but he says he is just popping down to the staff cafeteria for a sausage roll and a cup of tea.
12.51pm
Chris Penk steps out of the caucus room, and says Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has the support of his caucus. No-one believes him, and he is roundly booed.
12.53pm
Mark Mitchell steps out of the caucus room, and says Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has the support of his caucus. No-one believes him, and he cries.
12.56pm
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon calls a press conference. Asked what has happened, he says, ‘‘Well, nothing, basically.’’
We’ll be the judges of that. Stay with us as we continue to toil in the content mines all day, every day.
12.59pm
Five disgruntled rebel MPs are seen running for their lives with Mike Hosking in hot pursuit.
