He wanted it written down so he could use it frequently in general conversation.
One hundred years later, General Melchett would be delighted at the amount of it there is to wade through. I mean, there really is a lot of hogwash spoken and written these days. Don’t worry — I’m bracing myself in case some of you consider this column to be part of the same balderdash genre.
A great deal of gobbledygook can be found in the cloistered world of the bureaucrats. They love jargon — and the sense of importance that comes from having a secret language that only they and other bureaucrats can understand. And, hey, why would you use one word when you can use 10?
Of course, going forward, jargon is also beloved by business people and blowhards the world over. At the end of the day.
Hopefully, you saw what I did there.
‘‘Going forward’’, especially, has become one of those sentence fillers — a more grandiose version of ‘‘err’’ and ‘‘umm’’. Time as a rule does go forward. It’s almost as ludicrous a phrase as ‘‘forward planning’’. Whoever engaged in backward planning? Although, hang on, we are talking about bureaucrats . . .
Here are a few of my favourites: ‘‘We’re going forward with our plans to implement systemised logistical projections.’’ Naturally. ‘‘It’s time to recall effective back-end core competencies.’’ Well overdue, I reckon. And: ‘‘I want to synergistically brand cooperative experiences.’’ Who wouldn’t?
Just the other day I heard television sports commentators saying players were ‘‘taking on hydration’’ — sure looked like they were just drinking to me — and also that they were ‘‘progressing it forward’’.
Possibly the most useless piece of jargon I’ve come across was a couple of decades ago in a Dunedin City Council report. ‘‘Progress is progressing’’ the document helpfully explained to councillors and the public.
I’m sorry, but to all who worship at the altar of such codswallop, let me tell you it doesn’t do you any favours. It just makes you look stupid. What’s wrong with plain speaking?
It would give me endless pleasure (going forward) if you would like to share with us the best bits of bureaucratic jargon you’ve come across.
Lenore Whyte says she is also irritated by people who delight in using ‘‘a lot of long drawn-out sentences of PC words to describe simple things’’.
Lenore recently noticed a report in the ODTstating Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had invited her Canadian counterpart Justin Trudeau to visit New Zealand to ‘‘continue our conversation [and] share some of our learnings’’. ‘‘Lessons’’ I guess?
Sally Brooker, of Oamaru, is also lamenting the lack of plain English. Another example is the use of ‘‘in this space’’, presumably meaning ‘‘here’’.
Tim Pierce, of Wanaka, has noticed the adjective ‘‘concerning’’ creeping into everyday language. ‘‘We used to feel concerned about something, but now we find it concerning,’’ he says.
I’m sure you all have some great bits of gibberish to share. Please email. Going forward. Don’t leave it till the end of the day.
Get in touch
PAUL GORMAN
Telephone: (03) 479-3519
email: whatswiththat@odt.co.nz