Pretty vacant

And since I have column inches and I’ve always wanted to be one of those strong women interviewed for influential beauty and lifestyle publications, I thought I would just go right ahead and interview myself.

First, though, I had to get over my extreme adverse reaction to the word "empowerment", which is bound to crop up in interviews of this type. It’s been around for a good couple of centuries, but became popular in the 1980s, which may be why I visualise shoulder pads while shuddering at its usage.

In formulating the questions for said interview, I accidentally got distracted from mindful powerful beauty-full publications and strayed into the deep and sparkling mire of pageants. Beauty pageants give me an inkling of an understanding of why researchers say we shouldn’t tell our daughters they are beautiful. Though I do. And my son. Every day. Which is apparently very bad and terrible because it might give them the idea that looks are what matter in life and that we all go round judging books by covers and friends by brands. As if.

Further digging reveals that a great pageant insult is "pretty" because only true beauty extends to the soul. And that the average Kiwi spends around $500 annually on soul-primping and health and beauty which seem to have been confusingly combined. Which is nothing to the $80-plus billion they spend in the States. Though they do have way more pageants than us.

Anyway, back to meeee. And my questions. Meeee.

Q What is your beauty routine?

Wash face. Forget to brush hair. Get reminded. Go outside, preferably in sea air, in the garden or in the water. Repeat.

Q What essential beauty products do you own?

Something with bee venom that needs little round bits of cotton wool. A moisturiser that was on special in the toothbrush aisle. Glittery eye make-up. Innapropriate ABBA-esque turquoise mascara.

Q How would you answer this question from Miss Universe 1969? : In the next day or so, a man will land on the moon. If a man from the moon landed in your hometown, what would you do to entertain him?

I would read him Man in Space by Billy Collins in my best poet voice with my arms folded. (See www.poetryfoundation.org.)

Q Imagine that you have been selected as the president of the country for a week. What do you plan to do for the country in just a week?

I mean, what can you really do for the country in just one week?

Q What is the essence of being a woman?

Pain.

Q How can we make this world a better place to live in?

Listen to each other, properly. Share.

Q If you had a magic wand, what is one thing you would ask for, and why?

I know, I know, I’m clearly supposed to say "to win this beauty contest so I can be an ambassador to the world" but if I’m going to be on trend for pageant answers, I’m also supposed to thank God an awful lot and not think it’s a good idea to teach evolution in schools. So I’m afraid I’m going to go with the "give me three more wishes" answer, and then I can win the contest and ensure world peace and perfect fingernails. Or maybe curricular issues should be a more important priority than the manicured look. Not sure.

Q What will be your contribution to mitigate global warming?

Seriously!? I’m not sure I’m supposed to believe in that, either. But ...  buy second hand, eat less meat, do the don’ts ...  don’t drive if you don’t have to, don’t use hairspray or have takeaway coffee. When they ask "do you want your chicken in plastic?" say "no". And freeze the Arctic, but not single-handedly. It takes a village.

Q How do you Empower Yourself and Others?

Oh gosh. The ultimate question. The ultimate responsibility. (Emphasised, please note, by capitals that A.A. Milne would love.) Luckily, my actual thoughts on empowerment don’t really matter in beauty world, because, as the helpful judge at Pageant Planet (thepageantplanet.com) writes, "I will leave you with this ... as I judge I really could care less what you say in response to my questions. If you want to win me over do so by HOW you say it. Use charisma, flirt, be witty, and don’t take yourself too seriously. Being ‘professional’ and serious is boring and will cause you to blend in with the sea of pretty faces."