Giving advice to your teenager is a delicate balance, parenting columnist Ian Munro writes.
How are the war wounds? The ones you got when attempting to dish out advice to your teenager?
Even when a teen gets to the point of making a statement such as, "I don't know what to do'', which sounds like an invitation to advise, you could still get it thrown back in your face if you try to.
After all you "wouldn't understand'' anyway, would you?
You'll know when they really do want advice and you are best to treat most situations like this as their way of letting you know they are upset, angry, have a problem or whatever.
They don't actually want your advice or your interrogation. At this age, they usually like to mull things over or talk with their friends about it. Boys will tend to think things through by themselves and girls to talk or write about it.
It can be irritating at times to think that they'd rather seek advice and guidance from the people with no more life experience than themselves rather than from their wise old parents.
But, of course, we "wouldn't understand'' anyway, would we?
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't provide some indication that you are ready to listen or that you can see a possible way through.
But it should be relatively tentative and not a "this is what I'd do if I was you'' or "any idiot can see that . . .''
Make an offer that you are available to listen - "that doesn't sound too good'', "sounds like someone's got under your skin'', "what are you thinking of doing'' - and then leave it if nothing further is forthcoming.
You might like to come back later if a specific problem's been raised with something like, "I've been thinking about what you said and I had a couple of thoughts. Do you want to hear them?''
Don't be hurt by a "no, she's right'' response or if the whole thing has been forgotten and it's only you who has been agonising over it for the last hour.
Even if you get what seems a direct "what do you think I should do'' request, still tread carefully.
Offer your thoughts as suggestions rather than a plan of action.
"Do you think this might work?''
"Have you thought about . . .?''
Often just telling you that there's something worrying them or letting you know they are upset, perhaps even biting your head off in the process, is halfway to getting it sorted in their own head.
It's the old adage about a problem shared. Your presence and your sympathetic noises (while you bite your tongue) are probably all that is called for in most cases.
And you really wouldn't have understood anyway!
