The first to start investigating was a wild-eyed, bearded, and hyperactive character called Dr Sigmund Ruffleton. Dr Ruffleton showed us his PhD diploma issued by the mail-order department of the University of Interstellar Phenomena based in California.
"Only a couple of Aucklanders and bloke from Rangiora," Norm informed him.
Ruffleton chuckled and informed us that the aliens he had in mind were beings from outer space. "Mind you, they often disguise themselves as ordinary human beings. Although I’m not sure that Aucklanders are ordinary. This really needs close inspection."
Having borrowed a pair of waders, Ruffleton plunged into the stream, notebook in hand, and examined the structure. He carefully measured the dimensions of the tower, sketched some of the bits where the layers joined and then stood back and took photographs. Back on the riverbank he shared his first impressions.
"It’s almost two metres in height. That suggests a very tall alien."
"Or two short aliens with one standing on the shoulders of the other?" suggested Norm.
"Ridiculous!" spluttered Ruffleton. "You country people have some weird notions, I’m afraid."
He then pulled out a thing looking a bit like a theodolite and fiddled around before announcing, "This tower is directly south of Mt Cook/Aorangi. That’s very significant. Aliens tend to use high peaks as reference points. You can be quite sure they see Patearoa as a significant jumping off point for their visits to Earth."
"Why would they want to visit Earth?" muttered Norm. "It’s pretty well shot.
"Why do the rich and famous move to Florida? Far be it from us to query the motives of higher beings."
Ruffleton explained that by using stones from the river itself the aliens were obviously cognisant of environmental matters. "It’s a bit like living off the land. Use what’s to hand rather than bring in something inappropriate and perhaps damaging to the locus."
"Locusts?" screamed Mary. "We’ve never had them here."
"There, there, madam," soothed the investigator. "Locus is simply a PhD word for place. Now, this is obviously a structure along the same lines as the black tower or monolith which you may remember from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey."
"Yeah. I saw that picture," said Norm. "I wondered then what the hell the black tower thing had to do with the story."
"We’ve been working on that," explained Ruffleton. "The tower symbolises the beginning of human evolution and the potential for extraterrestrial influence. You are witnessing something very special here, ladies and gentlemen. Notice the intricate arrangement of smaller stones to support the whole magnificent elevation of the tower. Only a superior intelligence could produce such delicate confirmation of the dynamics of the forces of gravitational physics."
"You mean fill the gaps to stop the whole thing falling over?" suggested Norm. "Yes, something like that. You realise that Patearoa may well have been chosen by our interstellar visitors as the place to originate communication between their great intellects and the primitive thinking of human beings. They’ve chosen an intellectual backwater to emphasise their superiority. A very common trait among aliens."
"What this intellectual backwater business" spluttered Norm. "We had a bloke who went to the school here years ago and ended up being dux at Otago Boys’."
"Oh, I’m sure there are exceptions," muttered Ruffleton.
"I can tell you we’ve always had a few oddballs and eccentrics around the place. What about old Frank Finch back in the ’80s. He believed in the Labour Party and he was no alien. Went to school with him."
"Maybe, but today’s aliens come from a sophisticated civilisation. They may well infiltrate the community without you realising."
"How could we recognise them, then?" ventured Mary. "Well, they may give small signs that they’re not really local.
"You mean like wearing a tie or a baseball hat backwards."
"Possibly, but you people are best placed to recognise such aberrations and I want you to report them to me immediately. I must leave you now and prepare a paper for the Society of Interplanetary Communications. SIC will be delighted with your tower and I hope you will guard it carefully."
You can be sure we did that. Dogs, used to gamboling about in the Sowburn during the morning walk suddenly found themselves on a lead and a picnic table was set up near the tower for those who wanted to watch out for aliens. It helps pass the time in a quiet spot where, until now, nothing ever happens.
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
