The end of the year is nigh, Christmas is but days away, and Dunedin needs a list. David Loughrey provides most of a Christmas A to Z to help guide residents through the difficult days ahead, before losing interest.
A is for Anchovies.
Anchovies are small, green fish with blue reflections due to a silver-coloured longitudinal stripe that runs from the base of the caudal fin. On Christmas, especially early in the morning, they should be avoided. Presents are probably a better option.
B is for Bummalo.
A bummalo is a small, elongated fish found off South Asian coasts which is dried and used as food. There is no apparent relationship between the bummalo and Christmas; however one could have a bummalo-themed Christmas. Try drying and salting the fish before it is consumed, as its meat does not have a distinctive taste of its own.
C is for Corpulence.
Christmas brings on the acceptance one has failed at weight loss, resulting in self-loathing after the holiday season and the development of unattainable diet and exercise goals for the New Year. Happy New Year.
D is for Decorations.
Decorations should only be put up by someone with knowledge of interior design, and an understanding of symmetry. If a family member offers to do this, just say ‘‘no''. Christmas lighting can be particularly divisive. Try to set some rules regarding where on a tree lights should go, and stipulate percentages of red balls to branch numbers on your tree. Otherwise things will just get nasty.
E is for Expectation.
Nostalgia plays a big part in Christmas. Expect to bask in the same joy you experienced as a child. Try not to be disappointed.
F cannot be included for legal reasons.
G is for Generosity.
Generosity is essential for Christmas. Be generous to people with different world views to you; be generous to people who support different political parties and who live a different lifestyle to you. Be generous to people who are not so lucky as you, or who have done bad things in the past, or may have been a party to their own demise. Be generous. It's Christmas.
H. There are no words starting with H, apart from hover and horrendous. Don't go there.
I is for Irony.
Christmas is not a good time for being a hipster. Therefore, avoid the mildly sarcastic use of words to imply the opposite of what is said. It's inappropriate.
J is for Janov.
Arthur Janov argued neurosis is caused by the repressed pain of childhood trauma, and that repressed pain can be sequentially brought to conscious awareness and resolved through re-experiencing the incident and fully expressing the resulting pain during therapy. Christmas is really all about this.
K is for Kraft.
Christmas is not a good time for poor spelling. Use a spell-check.
L. There will be no L this Christmas. (This is the first no L encountered by the column.)
M is for Moon.
There will be a full moon on Christmas Day. Don't go outside after dark.
N, O, P, Q and R. The letters N, O, P and Q and R could not be contacted before deadline.
S is for Socks.
Preparing the basic necessities of life for Christmas will help you when the chaos of Christmas overtakes you and your family. Make sure your socks are folded neatly into small, tight balls, and kept in a clearly defined area of your second drawer. Separate workday socks from weekend socks, and with your weekend socks, separate casual from gardening socks. Keep ankle socks in a separate drawer. Assign a hierarchical structure to your sock collection and treat socks in the upper echelon better than the rest in an attempt to divide and rule. Install CCTV cameras in your bedroom, and announce a clampdown on sock unrest.
T is for Tidiness.
Make sure the house is spotless before Christmas. Tidiness starts with cleanliness, and the house should be fully cleared before the scrubbing process commences. Once you have finished that, start tidying. Remember, dirt and untidiness didn't just ‘‘happen'', they are the result of your actions, or more likely your inactions. Cleaning purifies the mind, and tidying orders it. Remember that. If you live with other people, announce a clampdown on tidiness, develop strict rules and install CCTV cameras and spend every evening reviewing tapes to find examples of rule-breaking.
U is for Underpants.
A well organised underpant collection is the most important aspect of a smooth yuletide period. ALWAYS FOLD YOUR UNDERPANTS. The crotch is the most delicate part and should be folded inside, while decorations such as a bow on the centre of the waistband should be folded to show on the outside. For boxers or briefs, fold the edges across the middle to make a rectangle, then fold in half and then in thirds.*
V, W, X, Y and Z: Mr Loughrey has given up on this column and gone home for Christmas.
*Thank you to Spark Joy: An Illustrated Guide to the Japanese Art of Tidying by Marie Kondo