Every voter has a price — it’s just a matter of how high

They have started early this time so our politicians must be more desperate than ever to hang on to or grab the baubles of office.

Most elections I get the phone calls about July but this time round it was only last week that the plaintive whimperings began to disturb my untroubled rural idyll.

Of course, one call was from Lucky Luxon, fresh from a poll which showed a pretty tight race on the cards.

"Hi, Jim. I know it’s early, but I want any advice you can give me. Short of getting a toupee, of course."

"Oh, really? That was my first thought. Look at Trump. Universally unpopular but hair all over the place and gets a second term. I’ll be brutally frank, Prime Minister. Your government hasn’t got much to skite about and all Labour has to do is remind the electorate of the price of cheese and the shortage of housing. Great vote getters, those two."

"You think so? OK, we’ll subsidise cheese and ramp up the house building. That’ll do it, you think?"

"Not by themselves. To win elections bribery has to be big scale, not just a dollar off a block of cheese."

"Bribery! Who said anything about bribery?"

"Lots of people. Even Shakespeare."

"Shakespeare?"

"Writer, before your time. Wrote a play called Julius Caesar and one of the characters is Brutus, who worries a lot. He asks: ‘Shall we now contaminate our fingers with base bribes?"’

"Sounds like he was never a politician."

"Well George Washington was, and he said: ‘Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder’, and I can tell you cheaper cheddar won’t be enough to save you."

"What’s enough?"

"Well, let’s take the 1957 election. Labour offered £100 to each taxpayer and turned out the National government."

"Great. We’ll make an offer. What’s £100 worth these days?"

"About $6000 and you’ve got about four million taxpayers."

"Right. Let’s work this out. I do all this budget stuff on my watch calculator. Nicola Willis reckons I should use a proper computer, but what would she know about mathematics? Let’s see. Hey! Did you realise that 58008 spells ‘boobs’ when you turn the thing upside down? How about that! OK. It comes to a bribe of about $24billion. Hell! Where would we find that?"

"Easy. Just postpone something and move the money to the election rebate scheme. Make a list of the schemes and their costs which you’ll be announcing in the run-up to the election. Forget about another harbour crossing for Auckland and you’ll have $15b to play with. This Taranaki lng thing is north of a billion dollars and there are others you’ll be putting in the mix."

"But $24b?"

"Do it in one go. You’ve already announced a bribe for people living in Auckland, Waikato and Christchurch that could cost $32b."

"Oh, yeah. The new roads thing. We reckon there’s votes in that."

"Maybe more votes in those areas but fewer votes in the rest of the country. Move that money to an election handout fund and your votes go up countrywide."

"What about the roads?"

"Easy. You don’t announce any cancellation of the great plan. You just spend the next three years evaluating plans, setting up consultation groups and checking that the roads won’t disturb the natural habitat of spotted kiwis and street walkers. Really caring stuff, just the image your party needs. All the while you’re using the $24b to cover your election bribe."

"But what happens when we need to build the roads?"

"That’s years away. We’re talking politics here, Lucky. Name me an MP who thinks four of five years ahead. Remember, the life of you and your colleagues is measured in three-year chunks."

"Maybe, but it worries me a bit. Promises can come back and bite you on the bum. Remember Muldoon and his scheme. National super payable to couples at 80% of the average wage at 60 without requiring compulsory contributions. What happened to that?"

"It went down the gurgler as one of the country’s great disasters, but not before it won him the 1975 election and kept him in power for almost 10 years. How does that sound?"

"Great, but to tell you the truth, Jim, I’m surprised that you’re offering advice to the National Party. I’ve always seen you as something of a greenie with red tinges."

"That could make me a bit yellowish, Lucky, and that would be insulting to a man of my proven courage. Don’t be too surprised at my helpful attitude. I really have no faith in any party and, just to be fair, I told Chippy Hipkins all about Labour’s 1957 bribe when he called yesterday. He turned it down but plans to offer free $10 Lotto tickets every week during Labour’s first year back in office."

■Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.