PAUL HENRY
My name is Paul Henry. Welcome to the Paul Henry iteration of quiz show The Chase New Zealand, hosted by myself, Paul Henry, the only person in New Zealand capable of steering the juggernaut of the wildly popular Chase franchise into a wall of indifference.
You know how it goes. We put four contestants up against expert chasers and they all chase money. Buckle up for a faintly depressing 90 minutes of television. But let’s meet our first contestant, Christopher Luxon. What do you do, old mate?
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Not much.
PAUL HENRY
Oh, look I’m exactly the same. Only the very rich appreciate the luxury of indolence. OK. Let’s get cracking. How many words in te reo are acceptable in government departments?
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
None.
PAUL HENRY
Correct. True or false, record figures of unemployment were announced this week.
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Pass.
PAUL HENRY
Correct. How popular is the Prime Minister of New Zealand? Choose between 1) As popular as measles 2) As popular as the bubonic plague 3) As popular as death.
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
What I would say to you is ...
PAUL HENRY
Correct. Well done old mate but now it’s time for you to go up against the chaser, Anne "The Governess" Hegerty, and face very, very difficult questions about Kiwi life and culture that will give The Chase New Zealand its point of difference. Are you ready?
ANNE "THE GOVERNESS" HEGERTY
I’m ready but your contestant looks like a nervous wreck who is about to pass out with the strain of smiling and sweating at the same time.
PAUL HENRY
He looks fine to me. OK. Question one. Who discovered New Zealand?
ANNE "THE GOVERNESS" HEGERTY
The first Polynesian settlers are believed to have arrived between 1250 and 1300.
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Captain Cook in 1769.
PAUL HENRY
I’m giving that to you old mate. Good work Christopher but this is a team game, and now we have to meet the next contestant, Chris Hipkins.
CHRIS HIPKINS
Hello.
PAUL HENRY
Well, that’s a pretty combative opening remark. You seem like a very angry person, and I get the feeling you are about to tax the air that I breathe. OK. Let’s put you to the test. Here’s a simple one to start with. For any positive integer n, if the number is even, divide it by 2 (n/2). If the number is odd, multiply it by 3 and add 1 (3n+1). Does this sequence of operations always eventually reach the number 1, no matter what positive integer you start with?
CHRIS HIPKINS
It is unknown. While the conjecture has been computationally verified for a vast number of starting values, no-one has been able to prove it will hold for all positive integers.
PAUL HENRY
Wrong, probably. Goodbye. Our next contestant is a woke nightmare gone horribly wrong in every way imaginable, Chlöe Swarbrick.
CHLOE SWARBRICK
Hello.
PAUL HENRY
Wrong. Goodbye.
ANNE "THE GOVERNESS" HEGERTY
I didn’t like the look of her either. Snippy. Young.
PAUL HENRY
Oh, but you’ll love our next guests. They are appearing together because they form a unified front of common sense, innovative ideas and good governance. Greetings to David Seymour and Winston Peters.
CHRISTOPHER LUXON
Hi fellahs!
DAVID SEYMOUR
I have never seen that man before in my life.
WINSTON PETERS
He’s in my seat.
PAUL HENRY
Correct. But that’s all we have time for. Join us again on Monday night when the whole nation asks itself the ultimate quiz question, How much longer can this thing go on?
