The cabinet reshuffle went pretty smoothly. It was all about communicating things clearly and in simple terms.
I singled out Chris Bishop, and told him that I had identified key indicators across the board that would yield results as we worked through a phased launch within our wider strategy.
He said, 'What?"
I told him that his answer was disappointing, because it suggested to me that he wasn't really onboard with my operational duties backed up by flow charts that were able to crunch the numbers and provide evidential support for the relevant data.
He said, 'Sorry?"
I told him that I hadn't seen the data yet but was across it, and that the imperartive to control the controllables sometimes meant bringing in a fresh approach to the table and get our ducks in a row while we ran it up the flagpole.
He said, 'Are you demoting me?"
I reassured him that he would still be able to get cricket tickets.
As newly promoted Minister of Defence, I stood on a barren shore and stared out to sea with narrow, steely eyes, and pledged to the four winds that we shall fight on the beaches.
But as acting Minister for Emergency Management and Recovery, I added in case anyone was listening that it might be prudent to go nowhere near the beaches.
As defence minister I voiced my solemn duty to confirm that we shall fight in the fields and on the streets.
However, wearing my other hat, I whispered that it was wise for people to take sensible precautions, and make sure to stay off the fields and streets.
I will take great pride in being Minister of Defence, and I addressed the tide as it came in, saying that my first act would be to spread the message that we shall fight with growing confidence and strength in the air.
At the same time, I mentioned as an aside to the tide as it dribbled out, that my role as Minister for Emergency Management leads me to insist that everyone rely on our friends in the MetService and Civil Defence Emergency Management Groups, and keep our feet on the ground.
'We shall never surrender," I concluded, thrusting my shoulders back, then turned and scuttled back to the car, with a post-script, 'unless a working group in consultation with a government sub-committee and the private sector advise that it mght be better for everyone if we surrender".
Luxon reached into his pocket, and handed me something in his closed fist.
I said, 'What's this?"
He nodded at his fist.
I said, 'Do you want me to open your fist?"
He raised his eyebrows.
I prised his fingers open, and looked at the strips of paper in his palm.
I said, 'I don't need your crummy cricket tickets. I don't need your charity. I've got better things to do."
He was about to put them back in his pocket but I snatched them out of his hand, and walked out of Parliament with my head held high and my pride intact.
I sat down on the kerb and went to book an Uber on my work phone but it had been deactivated.
By Steve Braunias
